Every time I am stressed, I have this dream.
Mom is looking at me with a smile as she combs her dark gray hair. Her big eyes with thick double eyelids bent at the ends, and the corners of her mouth are raised, a small dimple forming on the left side.
I don’t know what she’s saying. Maybe I was a little grumpy because I didn’t answer a question properly.
Mom is taking out the moon gray headband I bought her with the pocket money my aunt gave me. Why is she taking it out? The headband I bought mom for her birthday.
I don’t know the color of the headband I gave mom. Mom doesn’t know either, now that she doesn’t have dad.
Mom smiles brightly as she fixes her silver gray dress.
“Is it the sky blue dress again?”
Auntie is stretching out on the sofa, wearing a cement gray shirt and black sport pants with a white line. She sticks her mouth out and pushes me with her leg, so I push back. Mom smiles at the sight as she leaves the house.
“NO.”
I scream even though I know it’s a dream, but it gets swallowed in silence. Mom’s figure disappears through the door.
“NO.”
I scream again, but it's of no use. That was the last time I saw mom.
Every time I am stressed, it’s the same dream.
**
When I wake up in the morning, auntie is laying on the living room sofa, having clearly drank her fill the night before. Her black hair is short and she’s wearing a silver jacket, in contrast, her pants are white cotton pants.
“Go sleep inside.”
Even though I shake her, she just makes an ‘uuh’ sound and turns back around. Still, this is better than last year, when she was worried about her job.
I make up some plain cereal to eat. The white milk mixes with the moon gray and dolphin gray cereal, making everything look silver gray. I scoop up some cereal and leave for school. I don’t feel any different.
The advantage of a coed school is that it’s less sweaty. Or at least, there are girls who care about sweating. The downside is that there’s always some guy talking crap in front of a girl just to show off.
There’s a girl who is particularly kind to me, and a guy who bothers me because he likes her, even though its not my fault. It’s the same no matter what you do.
“What’s the point of liking a Mono?”
I’m a Mono-nerve-chromat, so they started using that word to refer to me. Today too, that guy is saying it again.
“Hey, you all. Don’t go near the Mono, he’s contagious.” [.]
I shove my earphones in my ears to ignore him. The thing is that his voice still gets through. A guy who’s only good for talking.
“Monos only need to see a probe to go crazy.”
“Hey, stop bothering Yeon Woo.”
The one who talks is the girl who is the cause of the bothering. Her name is Soo Hyun, or Joo Hyun, or some other name. I don’t know. It’s none of my business anyway.
“Why? Monos can see nothing but gray anyway. Isn’t it only when they see a probe that they can see other colors?”
It’d be useless to tell this louder-than-anything guy that those with mononervechromacy can distinguish ten shades of color, but again, I don’t care enough to tell this guy that, I don’t want to.
There are ten tones of color that I can see. White, Snow White, Light Gray, Silver Gray, Moon Gray, Cement Gray, Dolphin Gray, Shark Gray, Charcoal Gray and Black. *check list of colors and explanation, please!
As the guy wearing a white shirt and the jacket with the dolphin gray school logo on a moon gray background keeps on talking, something about not caring about point deductions for not wearing a tie early on, the music goes on shuffle and changes into some loud music. When I can’t hear the guy anymore, I turn my head away.
When he realizes he's being ignored, he starts screaming in a fit of rage. As a result, he takes out my left earphone. The bastard. Now I feel dirty because my ear was touched by something dirty.
He’s been talking like that all this time, but he seems to be making more of a fuss now to make up for what he won’t be able to do now that we’re about to go on winter vacation.
The squashed face guy, with his squashed lips cracked open, finally starts to move his hands as he speaks.
“’Monos open their legs only for a probe. You too, with that face, will you open your legs for a probe?” *aish, this fucking bastard.
If he had said that to a female student, it would be considered harassment. The people around can’t hide their astonishment anymore. Idiot. She already said she doesn’t like me, but there’s no way she’s gonna like you now.
Why of all things am I reminded of what my aunt taught me when I was younger. She must have thought she should take care of me at that young age instead of mom and dad. No one told her what to teach or not to teach. Once, she taught me how to fight.
“Choi Yeon Woo.”
She called seriously, even as I was still wearing my daycare clothes.
“People have three vital places: Philtrum, solar plexus and groin.”
“What’s groin?”
“Here, where the chili pepper is.” *chili pepper (고추) is a Korean way of referring to the… well, dick.
“Aahh, why is it groin?”
“If it’s in the groin, then it’s called groin.” *there’s a Korean play of words here that’s very much impossible to translate. Auntie is sassy, that’s that.
“Groin.”
“Ah, our Yeon Woo is so smart. You don’t need to hit several times. All you have to do is aim for a vital place.”
And so, I acquired the skill of fighting. When I was young, I didn’t know what it meant. Rather, when she was older and got threatened right in front of my eyes was when I got it. As expected, you don’t learn from words but from experience.
I check over this guy’s vital points. If I hit the solar plexus, I feel like I’ll somehow bury myself in his chest, I don’t want to touch his groin even with my foot… The best point of access is the philtrum, but if that squashed face gets even more squashed, I feel like I’ll get a guilty conscience.
“Give me back my earphone.”
I say that with a straight face and he flinches a little. However, because of that reaction he starts talking again. How bothersome.
“You’re a man, right? You’ll open your legs for a probe with that pretty face of yours, huh? Right?” *seriously this rat bastard waste of space, GO YOO HAN, PLEASE COME ALREADY ㅠ
Unbelievable how you only know how to use such vulgar words. I end up getting annoyed so I take my earphone from his hand and throw it on the floor. I get the feeling my classmates are looking at me nervously.
“I think I’ll go deaf if I wear an earphone touched by a dirty bastard like you.” *Choi Yeon Woo, Choi Yeon Woo, Choi Yeon Woo!
Those words make the guy’s face crumble. Right now, I’d also have to hit his nose to hit his philtrum, he already doesn’t have much of a nose bridge, but if I hit it, more than a person, he’ll look like a blob of dough. Anyway, after winter break and going into next year, I’ll be in another class and I won’t have to see him again.
“Shit. You kid will get obsessed with probe, kidnap and kill it.”
Those words make my face fall. Mono-nerve-chromats are called mono. Monos are different from those with total color blindness, who can’t see color at all due to an abnormality in their eye cells. Our cell cones are not abnormal, but our brains can’t distinguish color. However, when we see a certain person’s face, we can see colors. Those people are called Probes. The thing is, a mononervechromat can rarely meet their probe, some never meet them at all.
“It came out yesterday too, isn’t it crazy? This one went as far as cannibalism.”
Unfortunately, some mono become desperately obsessed with their probe. And that obsession leading to a crime… is not uncommon.
“Your mom was a mono, huh? Is your dad still alive?” /*RAT BASTARD/
I spring up from my chair. I’d rather go to the teacher than hear any more of this, before I forget everything this bastard said. But the guy also gets up from his chair. When I'm turning to leave, he grabs my arm. He’s sweating a lot; his hands are sticky. Maybe that’s why I feel dirty.
“I bet your mom met a probe and that’s why she threw you away.”
“Ha.”
The kids listening in gasped at the words. I threw away my conscience along with my right fist. Toward his philtrum.
**
The principal’s office is more pleasant than expected. The heating is soft and the sofa is plush. My aunt who was hangover this morning is now sitting in a black suit on one side, having been summoned by the school. On the other side sits a middle age woman who looks very similar to the guy whose nose was lowered beyond measure. It's definitely his mom.
Aunt is massaging her temples with her fingers, her eyes on my forehead. Her big eyes that resemble mom’s blink once and she lowers her head.
“How can you hit a child?”
Such cliché words come out from that guy’s mother. It’s so cliché that it makes me wonder if that’s where it all started.
“Jinsang’s mom, please calm down.”
Ah. So, the guy’s name was Jinsang. You gave him such a name, no wonder he turned out like that. *진상 has two meanings, 1. An offering to the King. 2, Truth. I think Yeon Woo refers to the first one, that he thinks he’s such a big thing, starting from his name. Sassy Yeon Woo, WOOOH!
The guy put on the most pathetic face possible and clung to his mother’s side.
“Yeon Woo hit me.”
“Yeah, and you fainted. In the middle of the class.”
The responses are all different after I speak such confident words. The guy’s face gets darker and darker. The guy’s mom clicks her tongue as if dumbfounded, my aunt stops rubbing her temples and bites her lip. *I bet 10.000 won she wants to laugh.
And the homeroom teacher and the principal who are sitting between us just roll their eyes.
I didn’t say anything that isn’t true. As soon as I hit his philtrum, I heard a dull sound and felt the dirtiness from his face on my knuckles. And then he just fell to the floor of the classroom. He fainted after one blow; I give him five stars for that performance.
“How troublesome.”
That makes the guy’s face go even darker, he seems to realize how bad it looks. Then his mom says,
“What kind of education does this kid get at home?”
While pointing at me and my aunt. And this bastard’s mom, what kind of an education did she get to go around pointing at people.
“That… Jinsang’s mom? Calm down…”
“You think I can stay calm? When my kid’s face ended up looking like a dead person’s?”
“No? Even before I hit it that face had no salv-…”
My aunt hurriedly puts her hands over my mouth. She takes my head in her arms as if in a headlock and laughs awkwardly.
“Isn’t it normal for kids this age to fight in order to grow up?”
“Oh, my. Yeon Woo’s aunt, could it be that how you grew up?”
“Yes, many front teeth were eaten.”
My aunt is smiling, but I know. My aunt’s teeth were never broken, I know it was my aunt making other kids eat their teeth. Most of the time those kids eating their teeth were boys too, which often had mom stomping her feet.
“It’s just a fist, but I’m good at it, right?”
“I see the attacker is very shameless.”
“Well, Mrs., Jinsang said some harsh words to Yeon Woo first.”
“And so that justifies violence? In this school you don’t look at the victim, but only cover up for the attacker?” *the nerve, you ugly onion.
My aunt is shooting lasers from her eyes at me, as if to tell me not to say nonsense, but I can barely hold it in.
“I’m going to tell the press and go to the police!”
“Mom, can’t we solve this peacefully?”
“Ah! I don’t want a peaceful solution!”
This time my aunt pinches my thigh with her hand to keep my lips closed. It really hurts. But what peaceful solution could there be?
“Look! The kid who hit you doesn’t even apologize!”
“That bastard doesn’t apologize to me either. Auntie wait, seriously wait…”
This time my aunt went to grab the back of my head, so I stopped her. No matter how round and easy to hold the back of my head looks, it really hurts when someone grabs my hair.
“That bastard.”
As soon as I say that, auntie takes the cushion that was behind her and hits me with it. The cushion doesn’t really hurt, but it makes a lot of noise.
“You, didn’t I tell you to keep quiet?!”
My aunt swings the cushion and throws it against the wall. I don’t know if it’s on purpose or not, but it flies right next to the face of the guy’s mom. I was barely raising my guard, and the other people’s heads turn along the cushion that flew away.
The guy’s mom looks surprised at first and then frowns. My aunt’s expression also darkens. Just as my aunt is looking around for something else to hit with, the homeroom teacher stops her.
“Aunt, please calm down. Jinsang, you should apologize to your friend for the harsh words you said.”
“I was only messing with Yeon Woo because he stays apart from everyone else.”
As the squashed face guy says that, the teacher’s expression changes suddenly. My aunt’s expression also changes, and not in a good way. But she just breathes and loosens her tightened lips. Her eyes turn worried towards me.
“Are you being bullied in school?”
“What bullied…”
“Then, who’s your best friend in class?”
“…”
That shuts me up.
Since mom went missing, I haven’t been interested in other kids. I was busy living on my own. Auntie and I have both been looking for mom, now why are we talking about some meaningless kids.
“Of course not,” my teacher starts to deny it, but immediately stabs our Achilles’ heels. “Yeon Woo has been busy with his mother’s disappearance.”
“Excuse me, teacher, and Jinsang’s mom. We need a moment to talk.”
Then, not caring for an answer, she takes my arm and drags me out of the principal’s office.
There are some kids in the hallway, but my aunt shoots them a hard look and says very naturally, “If you don’t want to get caught up in some violent stuff, go to another floor.”
From the kids’ point of view, they listen very well to that advice and promptly disappear. Standing in the hallway, my aunt spreads her legs shoulder-wide, and puts her hands on her waist, like Wonder Woman. She tilts her head back and looks at me.
“You don’t have any friend at school?”
“They are useless first years who won’t help anyways.”
“You are also a first year.”
“I know.”
If I was an adult, I could help find mom. My aunt takes a deep breath.
“You, from today onwards, don’t look for my sister anymore.”
“What are you saying?”
“Work hard at being a high school first year. And I’m not talking about studying. But you’re in your first year of high school. If you stay up all night playing games, it’s okay! It’s okay even if you fight in school!”
“Anyways, something like a friend, which won’t help when needed it’s very superficial…”
“You. Do you know the Chinese character for superficial?”
Oh my God. Who even knows that sort of thing? When I look at her suspiciously, she raises her right hand and draws something in the air. Probably the Chinese character for superficial. In the case of my aunt, it was more likely playing hard and then cramming hard at the last moment. She graduated from a good university.
“Aunt, you’re an art major.”
Since she graduated in liberal arts, she got a job at a broadcasting station. Producer this, producer that, is what they say.
“I’m going to science.”
“You. If you don’t have a single close friend, how difficult is your high school life going to be! And it’s even harder to make friends in college because everyone is so hard headed already!”
“I don’t need anything like friends.”
“No. You need it. Or else someone like that pad-lip bastard goes at you and no one’s on your side!”
As she says this, she looks at her reflection in the opaque glass of the principal’s office. I can see her shoulders drop.
Maybe she went by our class earlier, or the homeroom teacher spoke to her in advance. I only said that bastard has a squashed face… but knowing the situation…
“I won’t tell you to get along with the kids here. Instead, stop looking for my sister and become a kid yourself, okay?”
“Auntie.”
“Absolutely not! NEVER! Leave it all to me!” *original text is: 절대 안 돼. NEVER! 다 나한테 다 말겨.
Then she takes her cellphone out and writes a long text message, breathing out a determined ‘hoo’ as she sends it.
“Choi Yeon Woo, you trust your auntie, right?” she says as she winks playfully at me.
Ah. I have a bad feeling.
We go back into the principal’s office and sit back down on the sofa.
As expected, as soon as we sit down my aunt puts her hands together and starts acting. Beginning with that sweet voice…
“Jinsang’s mom, you see, our Yeon Woo will just transfer schools. Please act as if this never happened.”
I have no idea what she’s thinking, but she pulls out the transfer card first. You don’t get expelled just from hitting a kid once. My aunt beat so many people up, and she’s talking about transferring schools now. I’m shocked, I start to say ‘aunt’ but she shushes me right up.
“Do you know school violence is a big issue these days, right? Even if we let go this time, he will hit other kids like my kid and become nothing but a gangster.” *rat bastard family.
There’s something this lady definitely doesn’t know. If he keeps talking shit like he does, kids will keep avoiding him, eventually he won’t get a job, nor will he get married… won’t it basically be Hikikomori? *Hikikomori is a Japanese term that literally means 'to be apart', this is also the name given to the syndrome where people self-isolate.
“Mrs., rather than the law, we should be scared of Yeon Woo’s uncle.”
“What are you talking about? Not afraid of the law?”
The guy’s mom had been leaning against the sofa in a high-handed manner, as if she owned the place, until now, but she quickly leans forward at my aunt’s words.
“Yes. Yeon Woo’s uncle is scarier than the law. I brought Yeon Woo up as a person, but his uncle only wants to use Yeon Woo’s fists. If someone bullies Yeon Woo, there are no words to solve it. In middle school too, he used his fists and shoulders to solve any problem. I really want to make Yeon Woo a person. If there’s even a rumor Yeon Woo used his fist, his uncle will laugh and say There’s a deficit in your art department and let his uncles loose on the school."
Aunt is telling a story about an uncle who doesn’t even exist. Dad was an only son. Uncles? What uncles? As if she’s really tired, she loosens her hands, which she was holding as if in prayer, and covers both her eyes with her palms.
The principal and the homeroom teacher are just staring at each other. The guy’s face goes from being dark to cement gray and his mother seems embarrassed by my aunt’s nonsense, but she’s not as angry or overbearing as before. Her expression is not even high-handed anymore, just shaky.
“During middle school too, I let his uncles drop him off at school, and because of that he didn’t have any friends. So, I told them to absolutely not do the same in high school.”
That never happened. But it will be difficult to check, because the house I lived in when I graduated middle school has gone into redevelopment. And I didn’t have friends because I wasn’t interested in other kids. And now too… with mom’s disappearance, I don’t care about having friends.
Auntie suddenly sticks out her hands and takes the lady’s hands in hers. The guy’s mom looks really surprised, but maybe because auntie is looking at her with lifeless eyes full of tears, she doesn’t take her hands away.
Ah, so just now she put her hands on her eyes to make tears appear.
“Jinsang’s mom, if the rumor goes out… Ooh, I don’t even know how to make these words pass my lips…”
“Speak.”
The guy’s mom is still talking informally, but not as angry as before, maybe even with some shakiness. Aunt takes a breath and tightens her grasp; I can see their hands turning white.
“Jinsang won’t be back tonight.”
Aunt says this as if sharing a big secret. But the guy’s mother takes her hands away in a hurry, aunt’s hands are left in the air and she retreats them slowly. The guy’s mom takes turns looking at me and at my aunt.
“Are you threatening me now?”
Still, she sounds very nervous as she speaks. Aunt shakes her head slightly, the corners of her mouth going down.
“Mrs., this is not a threat. I am worried.”
“Yeon Woo’s aunt, your words are all very strange.” The homeroom teacher finally stops my aunt’s acting, even I was starting to think it made sense, when suddenly my aunt’s phone rings. It’s the regular bell sound, but since the phone is placed on the table between the sofas, everyone can see the name on the screen.
[Yeon Woo’s Uncle – Art School Crusher].
“Oohh!”
My aunt exaggeratedly covers her mouth with both hands and gasps. Her eyes get big like those of someone who saw a loan shark’s phone call. With hands shaking so visibly everyone can see, she answers the phone. Ah, but when did she prepare such a contact name?
“Hello, Yeon Woo’s Uncle.” *she is using formal speech to address the ‘uncle’.
[“Sister-in-law, you doin’ well?”]
I have no idea where that strange satoori* is from. I don’t know if it is intentionally so confusing. *satoori is Korean regional dialect.
As if to check that that way of speaking isn’t funny, aunt looks at the guy’s mom once and then looks down to the floor. I think it’s funny how she pulls her shoulders up while talking on the phone to make it obvious she’s nervous. But no one is laughing.
“Yes, of course I am doing well. What could be the reason of your phone call?”
[“Is YeonWeu* doin’ well? When will you let me know if he’s havin’ a hard time? What can I do? I need to chop up some people?”] *it’s written as if he pronounces it like that, think of a sort of dragged gangster-style way of talking. Check Guide.
“Uncle, Yeon Woo is doing well.”
[“That so? Else I can send sum of the kids, no worries.”]
“No, no. It’s fine.”
[“Wah, YeonWeu doesn’t need his uncles anymore?”]
“Yeon Woo is doing very well normally*.” *normally as in, no gangster, LOL.
[“You tell ‘im, our guys from the art department miss ‘im a lot. Next time he comes, I’ll show ‘im how to fend from the raw fish*. Come see me once in a while”] *I think he means the cops? It really is a weird way of talking.
“Yeon Woo’s Uncle, Yeon Woo is being raised normally. That’s what we wanted.”
[“That’s why, that’s why. It’s not normal to get stabbed.”]
At this point, a sound of loud swallowing can be heard in the room. It's that guy. Right now, his greyish white face really looks like dough. Please stick a tissue over with a band-aid to cover that nose*. *In other words, Yeon Woo is saying ‘can someone slap a tissue over that ugly-ass face and add a band-aid for good measure so that it stays put, please? Gross.’
[“Anyway, Sister-in-law, see ya’ next time. Call if you have a job for us. I bought some land near the sea, if you want to go, there’s a lot of snow, people don’t recognize you.”]
“Uncle, I can’t just go as I please.”
[“Ah, don’t you get vacation days? Should I come and deal with your boss?”]
“No, no. I will go some other time.”
[“Good. See ya’ later.”]
And so, the phone call between the satoori-speaking uncle I didn’t even know I had and my aunt comes to a finish.
Auntie takes a visible deep breath. If you want to look for someone you have to be thorough. That was not from Yeonbyeon, it wasn’t from Gyeonsang, neither from Chungcheong nor from Jeolla… Just where did he get that satoori from?
I can’t hide my hopeless* eyes, but that guy and his mother can’t hide their worried eyes. The principal and the homeroom teacher are the same. *Yeon Woo over there, worrying about recognizing where that odd satoori is from. Lol.
“My apologies, if I hadn’t answered he would have sent the uncles over.”
“Excuse me, aunt. About Yeon Woo’s background, I had only heard about his mother…”
The homeroom teacher speaks. He’s trying to confirm if that fist-thrower is actually my uncle. But no. It’s all auntie’s lies. Yet I can’t tell if they are either naïve or stupid or ridiculous, but none of these four is tackling on. I’m the only one who can’t believe this situation. *Just to be clear, in case Yeon Woo didn’t convince you already. Auntie was bullshitting like a champ, there is no uncle. Yeon Woo’s only family, asides from his missing mom, is his auntie, and in my opinion Go Yoo Han, but well. No uncles, cousins, brothers, etc., etc., etc. ^ㅅ^
“I’m sorry, teacher. I thought that you’d wear colored glasses* if I told you that.” *she means that he’d treat Yeon Woo differently.
“Ooh! No, no. I’m glad I found out at the end of the semester.” *so, yeah, he would have.
The homeroom teacher waves his hands and breathes away, avoiding attention.
Aunt takes the guy’s mother’s hands again and grasps them on top of her knees.
“Jinsang’s mom, as a favor, please. Let’s not make any more fuss about this. Yeon Woo will transfer schools, yes?”
“Ah, whatever. This is all we’ll talk about it.”
“Ah, thank you, Mrs.! You say thank you too.”
Aunt is talking in her sweet voice until the ‘Thank you, Mrs.’, the moment she looks at me, the voice goes away. Aunt discriminates people a lot. *HE’S POUTING.
Then when I don’t even think of apologizing, she grabs my head and forces it down in a bow. I don’t want to apologize so I push her hand off, and she grabs my hair.
“It is okay.” *she was speaking informally all the time and now she added a 요, which makes her speech more formal, she does it like an after-thought, in a rat bastard manner, tho. Original text: 괜찮아,요.
The mother of the guy with such a face… You spoke informally until just earlier, but now you speak in that way, which is just weak for the strong and disgusting for the weak. *philosophical king Choi Yeon Woo, tho?
I know very well what kind of education that guy receives at home.
***
“Hey, where’s the smoking area here?”
Auntie has an electronic cigarette in the inside pocket of her jacket. And she’s uselessly looking around the school now.
“How would I know?”
“You don’t smoke?”
“Asking a high school student if they don’t smoke is not the adult thing to do.”
“Adult attitudes come when you get what you want.”
Then immediately after she passes the school gate, she stands next to the convenience store across from it and starts smoking. I don’t understand what’s so appealing about it.
“Why am I transferring?”
“Instead of staying in a place where you have no close friends, it’s better to start over in a new place!”
“Are you serious?”
“Anyways, it’s about time to move. This time we got told we’d be killed again after prodding too much.”
That’s my aunt’s occupational disease. She has no sense of justice. I mean, she was usually the one causing trouble. It was good she got a job as PD of a broadcasting station; the thing is, the show she was hired for is a report program, she has to go from here to there prodding for evidence of reports of murders and crimes, she was even stabbed a few times and actually threatened with murder. When my mom was here my aunt used to live like a migratory bird, never anywhere for long. But after mom went missing, she settled down with me, who was still a minor. The issue is, the threats become more specific with time. Also, my aunt’s useless acting has improved a lot.
“Can’t you ask to be moved to another program?”
“Yah, my hobby was to break kids’ front teeth! Now that I’m grown up; I have an actual reason to break some teeth. It’s fun!”
“Even so.”
I swallow the words that it was a dangerous job for a woman to do. *yeah, you better my love, or she’ll show you just how many front teeth she can knock at once.
After all, she’s my aunt who paralyzes a person she’s been chasing with a taser gun, tackles him and fractures his arm. Still, the world it’s too harsh to endure only with youthful vigor.
“It’s still dangerous.”
“Compared to me, you’re in more danger. How will you live in this world with such a pretty face?”
“I’m not pretty.”
“Insane. You’re just like my sister. When I asked how would she live with such a pretty face, she’d said she wasn’t pretty, but when she met brother-in-law, she asked me ‘Am I pretty?’. Damn. Anyhow, the hat is the same one.” *She means their way of thinking is the same. Lol, the hat. I like this expression.
“Yes, as in that I don’t know if it is pretty.”
Mom, dad and aunt probably say I’m pretty because we’re family. Even if you say I’m pretty, sometimes people also say it to pick fights with me saying girls wouldn’t want to go next to me because I was so pretty. From what I can tell, there’s no big thought, if you’re a person, that’s just how you’re supposed to look. Still, I think it’s a relief my double eyelids are not thick like mom’s or aunt’s, but I don’t see it as a big flaw or think they can captivate people. *Yeon Woo, you’re pretty, get over it.
“Anyways, I’ll say you’re transferring this time because we’re moving. If you transfer this time, it will be to a boys’ school.”
“Why?”
“It’s not like you date anyways.”
“Even so, boys’ schools stink.”
“You! I’m trying to make you some friends here!”
“I don’t need them!”
My aunt keeps on smoking slowly. I uselessly take a step back and she looks at me with a pitiful expression. With the cigarette in her mouth.
“Then think about your poor school record. How hard do girls have to live? I’m amazed just to see you, if you’re gonna study, then study. If you’re not, then don’t. It’s so ambiguous.”
“Is that really what you’re gonna say?”
“I studied well. I did my best.”
“And when you got stressed, you broke guys’ front teeth.”
“If you think about it, they weren’t that many!”
“Mom said that if she picked up the teeth you broke, she could make a necklace.”
“Ah, what a sister.”
Joking around like that, my aunt frowns slightly as she inhales deeply. And we both just stand there. I know. Since the year before last when mom went missing, there has been no contact from her. We both went around looking for mom. Back then, in the police station, I heard something similar to what the bastard said today.
Didn’t she throw it* away? Since it’s hard to remarry if you have a kid. *Yeon Woo. :(
Both of us ended up wanting mom to be alive no matter where. On the outside, I’m not looking for my mom anymore. Aunt has a good job, and I go to school. Both of us searched like crazy for a year. If there’s no place to look for anymore, then it’s one of two options: she abandoned us, or she doesn’t exist in this world. Either way, we tied the knot without reaching a conclusion*. *I think this means they are slowly giving up, without knowing what happened. Like, they reached a dead-end.
So, we joke around as if nothing happened. Now, I can talk about mom comfortably. It’s been three years since mom disappeared, even so, I still look for her. Somehow trying to find our missing person. Even during school, I searched for all kinds of pictures on my phone, afraid I’ll see my mom anywhere. I go through CCTV footage without a password, every day I check if there’s a new sign up in a new website with mom’s social security number and certificate. I know I’m not the only one like this. Aunt told me she stopped. Liar.
She carries around two cellphones. One is the phone she had the day mom disappeared, the other is the one that changes numbers every time she receives a threat. If an unknown number comes up on the phone she had the day mom disappeared, she quickly answers. Although most is spam or threats*. *he means voice phishing and stuff.
And she talked with the real state agency of the house I lived in with mom. To them and also to the manager of the construction site and to the company in charge of the redevelopment. She asked them that if mom happens to come by or ask for me, to please give her aunt’s contact information. Even if everyone was a bit nervous to accept, aunt asked so earnestly, they promised to do so.
Actually, auntie doesn’t remember mom was wearing the headband the day she disappeared. I remember. But because I’m mono, I don’t know what color it was. What to my eyes was moon gray, I don’t know what color actually was.
Wavy dark gray hair. Her hair length was a bit below her shoulders. A sky blue chiffon dress. Light brown rounded shoes.
Big eyes with double eyelids on a slim face. Her nose is cute and round, with a lean tip. Her upper lip is somewhat fuller, and her lips are very red. When she smiles, a dimple appears slightly on the left.
Sadly, I don’t know the color of mom’s sky blue dress, the color of her brown shoes or what does it mean that her lips are very red.
Mom knew once. That the sky blue dress fit her well, that it looked prettier when she used the brown shoes and that her lips were very red. My dad, the probe of my mono mom, helped her know all that.
Mom couldn’t forget the Color Rush she experienced the moment she met dad. Because of it she fainted on the street and scraped her knees, but she said she loved it. The moment a mono meets their probe, the nerve load of recognizing the colors makes them faint. The color rush gets repeated until you get used to your probe. Fainting is the most common response to the color.
Even through that process, mom worked so hard to charm dad. Aunt said it was something really unsightly. Dad kept pushing mom away. He even told her to be just friends. This was because when dad met mom, he was already fighting cancer. Mom said it didn’t matter. And it was at that moment that, to dad, mom almost…* that’s why aunt told her that ‘if the genders had been inverted, you’d already be in jail’. And so, I was born. Mononervechromacy is hereditary. Color blindness is hereditary as well, but mononervechromacy is more likely to be passed down, almost certainly so. Because the color recognition switch is off in the parent’s brain anyways, you are more likely to be born the same way. Nevertheless, mom stayed positive. Dad stayed positive too. Except, he couldn’t stay with me for a long time. Still, dad lived longer than the doctors predicted. He lived five years longer. But the last year… it was a fading time.
I don’t really understand. Why mom chose dad. Why she wanted him so much**.
*I feel like I need to explain this, okay? She didn’t attack him or anything. Sassy auntie is sassy and she mocked them non-stop. The thing is, that when Yeon Woo’s mom found out the reason Yeon Woo’s dad was pushing her away was to not hurt her by his passing away, her heart melted. She fell completely in love. She wanted to be with him. What do you want me to say? Can’t we just cry together for this love story? I feel it deserves some proper mourning.
**gasping wails.
***
A man in his 40s kidnapped and confined a woman in her 30s. According to acquaintances the man is a Mono. The mono-neuro-chromat became obsessed with the kidnapped woman when seeing her face made him able to recognize colors.
What comes out on TV is what mono does to a probe. Mono becomes extremely obsessed with them. It could be an image created by the media, but it also really happens. When a mono meets their probe, they become obsessive out of fear of losing the colors. In a sense, it may be better for those two to never meet, mono and probe.
-
By the end of first year, I'm ready to transfer schools for second year. I don’t know if squashed face’s mom was completely fooled by my aunt’s crazy performance, but she didn’t make a fuss. When the transfer is complete, my aunt asks me in a nifty way:
“Is no one feeling sad?”
I nod my head at her words. In the end, there isn’t a single name I had memorized after a year of school. In middle school, after my mom went missing, my friends didn’t hang out with me since we spent so much time apart.
During winter break aunt doesn’t let me do anything. Anyone who sees it would be very envious as she buys me all kinds of games, and then also brings over a guy with a big case who looks scary even as he gives the computer estimate. When I use 3D CHIP, I see the graphic card is not internal, but GeForce. (3D CHIP is a program that lets you see your device’s specifications).
I make a simple program with Python to collect social media pictures and videos, but my aunt catches it and erases it all. She finds out graphic cards are not for gaming, but for improving performance. (Python: programming term. It’s easy to learn and highly used. Crawling: crawling, collecting target information according to the rules).
After that, she buys me a comic book collection and takes my cellphone and computer away. Then, all I can do is use my feet. The issue is, my aunt already told the police and the police station I go to often, to kick me out when I come. In the end, I can only go back to the place where I used to live with mom. In the past, mom used to go to the events from the mononervechromat community. Just in case, I join and check out the community. Aunt likes that. Even if I go to the meetings, once march arrives, I won’t be able to go anymore. In the meantime, I check it regularly. *this part is a bit confusing in general, the programming slang got my brain into mush. The thing is, auntie is stopping Yeon Woo from looking for his mom, and Yeon Woo doing whatever he can do to keep doing it.
***
The house we move in to is very close to the school I transferred to. It’s so close I wonder if it’s okay for it to be this close. Right next to the apartment complex, is the school.
A man in his 50s tried to commit suicide in his apartment. Early this morning the man tried to jump from his apartment floor, but was dissuaded by the firefighter sent to oversee the situation. The reason for his suicide would be that he lost his probe wife in a car accident earlier this week, and he attempted to follow behind her.
“What on earth are you watching so early in the morning?”
Aunt stumbles a bit and turns off the TV. My aunt won’t let me watch it if I am looking at cases about monos or related to them. I don’t know why she doesn’t let me watch them.
Today I’m eating bread with jam. I toast the bread and spread the apple jam evenly. Aunt takes it away. Is she taking advantage of minor labor?
“If you feel wronged, then you can become independent.”
Maybe she notices the look on my eyes, that’s why she mocks me like that. *the literal translation would be ‘she roasted me’. Which is also pretty accurate, although not as smooth.
My aunt is my legal guardian, so she’s the one responsible for raising me.
I give up and toast another bread and spread the jam. Since this place is bigger than the house we lived in before, I can’t see my aunt spread out on the sofa anymore. The issue is that I get bitter when I get in the bathtub of the living room that I use. It’s the end of the end of life*. I want to know why two people need a three-bedroom, two-bathroom apartment to live in. *He’s saying the place is too big, so he’s like, too far away. Cutie Yeon Woo.
When we moved, I asked aunt if she got a great deal and she said calmly:
“Since the surroundings of a boys’ school are loud, it’s very cheap.”
Since I couldn’t refute her statement, I moodily agreed. There was no need to explain why it was so loud.
Aunt mumbles something towards the toast. Since she really is mumbling very low, I can’t hear her. So, she speaks again once she finishes eating.
“It’s important to control the first impression.”
I agree with that statement. When I started high school, I was so preoccupied with finding mom that I didn’t pay attention to my surroundings, and that’s why that dough-like guy got so out of control. Aunt puts an arm on the table, lasers shooting out of her eyes. When those big eyes get like that, they can be very scary.
“You may not have an uncle, but you have an aunt.”
“Is that a joke?”
“It’s true. Since I can even make you up an uncle you don’t have, so, tell me if you have a job for me.” *She’s telling him to tell her if he wants her to beat someone up. Lol.
“You really were like a mad dog.”
“What?”
“Nothing.”
I even eat my toast quickly out of fear of it being taken away. My aunt messes up my hair with her hand for no reason.
“Still, the school you’re going to is a good place. There are no bullies.”
“Is there even a place like that?”
Even if there are bullies, I don’t mess with them. But it’s the first time I hear of there being none of them.
“Last year the kids who were making a big fuss died.”
“What on earth?”
She says it too casually for it to be a joke, and it doesn’t sound like one anyways. I blink, and since I’m caught off guard, my toast gets taken away. She quickly puts some jam on half of it and then folds it and takes a big bite. This time she speaks with a tone level I can understand.
“While riding a bike, two people died, one went crazy.”
“At such a young age…”
“Hey, you’re also of a young age. Stop talking like an old man.”
I only said that because I didn’t know what to respond, but my aunt points that out with a smile. And then she gets up from the chair. No matter what, she inevitably gets up first every time. Since it’s my first day, I want to be early, so I get up too.
***
The homeroom teacher is a man who looks about the age of retirement. However, he has a strong name like Mi Jin Su and a very old wooden bar with the nickname “Crazy* X” clearly visible on it. *미친, pronounced michin, means crazy, and the professor’s name is Mi Jin Su, which sounds very similar.
The homeroom teacher sits comfortably across from me in the director’s office, roughly ruffling through my first-year school record.
“What’s this? If you’re gonna study, then do it. If you’re not, then don’t. Its ambiguous.” *pfft.
He talks exactly like my aunt. I just took the test with my regular skills as a student. School records don’t reflect your intelligence or your capital.
“You’re a Mono.”
“Yes.”
“Is there any chance that you’re just color-blind?”
“My mother is a mononervechromat. There’s a high chance I inherited it.”
“Right, your mother…”
I’m sure aunt was very cold when giving this information. I speak calmly:
“She went missing when I was in 8th grade. We couldn’t find her after that.”
“Have you done any of those missing persons DNA tests?”
“We made the registry in the DNA bank. We still haven’t received an answer. And, if you get contacted it's probably because the person is dead.”
Those words make this nonsense-talking teacher shift and clear his throat. *Our Yeon Woo’s patience bank is low, don’t try it.
To this day, I haven’t met a single person who deserves to be called a teacher. What do you expect to get asking me something you already know? This person also seems like he doesn’t deserve to be called a teacher. *see? I told ya.
“Well. In our classroom there are a lot of weird bastards, but not bad ones. But I don’t know what’ll happen if you guys get close*.” * :3
Is there a classroom in this world that doesn’t have weird people? But also, I don’t know if I am getting ahead of myself.
“Let’s go say hello.”
The homeroom teacher gets up and leaves first. I try to catch up. Classes 1 to 3 are liberal arts; classes 4 to 7 are science. I was assigned to class 5. The teacher goes in just in time for ordinance*. When the front door opens, everyone goes quiet. Two rows of desks are attached in three lines, like a regular classroom. At first look, I can’t see any weird kids. Except for the big guy who’s sleeping through it all. If you’re an athlete**, why are you in a science class and not in a liberal arts one? *ordinance is the moment at beginning and end of class where everyone is called to attention and to greet the teacher. ** ¬‿¬
“Class rep, let’s say the greetings.”
A guy in diagonal to the steadily sleeping guy gets up. Maybe it's because the glasses are compressed or thick, but his eyes look distorted. He has black horn-rimmed glasses and a small slightly pouty mouth.
“Attention.”
As he says this, he stands straight, arms to the sides. The other kids sitting down also fix their postures.
“Salute.”
“Hello.”
The guys in the black uniforms speak in unison, but the feeling isn’t good. Didn’t they have ordinance in their previous schools too?
“There’s a friend who happened to transfer today. Come introduce yourself.”
The teacher points at me with the attendance book as if it is annoying.
“I’m Choi Yeon Woo.”
The teacher stays still for a bit and then asks “Is that it?”. Then he nods, the corners of his lips turned, and opens the roll call book.
“Since the seat next to the class rep is empty, go sit there.”
He points to the seat next to the one where the guy who led the salute is. It’s also the seat in front of the guy who’s still sleeping peacefully. *Thank Wei Wuxian, he’s finally here. YU HAAAAAN.
I go and sit, and the class rep says:
“Hi.” As a way of greeting.
“Hi.”
I say that awkwardly and turn back to the front.
The homeroom teacher sticks out his index finger and starts counting the kids.
“Why is one son of a bitch missing? Ah… That bastard is sleeping again. When will he debut? Shouldn’t he just stop coming to school?”
I wonder if that’s something that someone with a job as a teacher should be saying, but the other kids don’t react. I look back. The guy has wide shoulders and a big build, he made both his arms into a pillow and is sleeping peacefully with his head on top of them.
“Since you’re all here, I won’t call attendance. Say your greetings. Class rep.”
“Attention, salute.”
“Thank you.”
I don’t know what they’re thankful for, but the other kids say that. And then when the teacher goes out, the noise picks up again. The class rep also breathes a sigh when the teacher leaves.
“Ah, quickly pick a class president. I only said I’d be the class rep because he said it’d be temporary.”
“Still, since you’re the class rep, there’s a good chance you’ll also be the class president.”
The guy who’s seating behind the class rep responds to his complaints with a soft voice. This guy also seems tall, but his posture is not good, and he curls up his body a lot. His nose is high, but his eyes are a bit swollen so he doesn’t give a strong impression. He looks at me and his lips curl in a smile. It’s supposed to be a smiling expression, but his eyes look emotionless when he smiles.
“I’m Kang Min Jae, let’s get along from now on.”
“Choi Yeon Woo, let’s get along.”
Maybe because he says hello normally, and because his tone is soft, I feel myself relax. The class rep looks at me and at the guy who is sleeping behind me and skips the introductions.
“By any chance, are you also a trainee?”
“Also?”
“The way you look made me think so. That asshole is too.” The class rep points to the guy sleeping behind.
“Joo Haeng-ah.”
Kang Min Jae calls out the class rep like that. The class rep looks at Kang Min Jae and then at me and says:
“My name is Jung Joo Haeng. Right now, I’m the class rep.”
Rather, what were Jung Joo Haeng’s parents thinking giving him such a name just so that he could get teased? *. I nod my head as if in understanding. *His name translates into something similar to Mr. Driver, and also something about general exams. if you enter 정주행 into a dictionary you'll have a blast.
“If you make fun of my name, as class president… as class rep, it will be of no use asking for favors.”
“I like your name, Joo Haeng.” *this is Min Jae speaking.
“Oh, thanks.”
“The one Joo Haeng was talking about is Yoo Han*. The kid sleeping here. Since it’s not confirmed yet, he doesn’t say it. But he’s an Idol trainee.”
You can see the stark contrast between Kang Min Jae’s kind explanation and Jung Joo Haeng’s words. Yoo Han keeps sleeping through the conversation about him. *Throws a ‘I finally get to write the name Yoo Han’ party.
“If there’s anything you don’t know, you can ask Joo Haeng.”
Isn’t it normally “If there’s anything you don’t know you can ask me” the way to say it? Even while saying this Kang Min Jae speaks in a soft voice. Jung Joo Haeng stares at him with a keen eye.
“Why ask me… No, ask me. It’d be useless to talk to Min Jae.”
“Mm.”
“He has a grandpa who will answer instead.”
I want to know what nonsense Jung Joo Haeng is saying but, the sleeping guy wakes up. He’s wearing a black face mask, so I wonder how could he sleep face down. Above the mask, he has strong eyebrows. I can see big eyes under the thick eyebrows, and, amazingly, no double eyelids. I envy the mask because the tip is so unyielding, you can’t see anything under the cheekbones.
“If Min Jae’s grandpa answers, life will get so tiresome it will be useless. Don’t ask him.”
The previously sleeping guy adds those words. A slightly lower voice coming through the mask.
“Who’s the grandpa?”
“Min Jae has someone who answers instead of him. But, you’re really pretty.”
The guy wearing the mask says this and suddenly pokes my face. I frown in displeasure, but I can feel his eyes looking at every corner of my face. It’s been a long time since I met someone so straightforward.
“I’m not pretty.”
“No, you really are. While moving agencies I saw guys who debuted and guys preparing for debut, but this is definitely no joke.”
They say he can’t say he’s a trainee, but his words say otherwise. Did you say your name is Yoo Han?
“Go Yoo Han, you can’t even remember faces anyway.”
Jung Joo Haeng gives me the full name of the guy wearing the mask. Go Yoo Han. It’s better than Jung Joo Haeng, but your parents also made you tired, huh*. Since he's smiling, Go Yoo Han’s mask comes slightly up. *고유한 means unique.
“I can’t remember them, but I know the sense. He’s really pretty. You must be living such a tiring life. Which company did you sign with? I know the ones you should stay away from.”
“I’m not a trainee.”
“Why?”
“Oh?”
“Mm?”
Why, Go Yoo Han. Oh, Jung Joo Haeng. Mm, Kang Min Jae. That’s how they answer. What are they surprised about.
“I’m not interested.”
“He looks like someone who would drop out of college at the last second and make a debut. Right, Min Jae-ya?
“Should I ask the grandpa later?”
“No, it’s fine. I just got that feeling.”
Jung Joo Haeng immediately turns around to speak to Kang Min Jae. Hey, just who is that grandpa?
“Who is the grandpa?”
Just when I ask again to know who the grandpa is, first period starts. Class rep Jung Joo Haeng who doesn’t want to be class president has eyes for nothing but study. Kang Min Jae looks as if he's very concentrated listening to class, but only his posture is right, his eyes aren’t focused. Go Yoo Han starts sleeping on top of his arms again. Even if he keeps on sleeping, the teachers do nothing. I have to admit that’s a little fascinating. Perhaps they gave up?
Even during recess Go Yoo Han keeps sleeping on his arms, Jung Joo Haeng solves the problem book and Kang Min Jae occasionally talks about school. The most useful thing is:
“But the company changed last year, so the school food is delicious.”
That’s it. It's fortunate that the school meals are delicious.
What I feel during fourth period is that I sat in the wrong seat.
I don’t know who the grandpa is, but the kids keep looking at Kang Min Jae with a spark in their eyes. Kang Min Jae himself doesn’t look like a playboy. Or is it that a model student is a more popular trend these days? ‘You live well at home, you study well but you also reign over the kids’, that sort of thing? But it doesn’t seem that way. Maybe is his tone of voice or his droopy eyes.
“Ah, today is fish cutlets,”
Go Yoo Han wakes from his pleasant sleep. I want to ask if he memorizes all meal tickets like that. Actually, on my way to the school restaurant I see that today’s menu is fish cutlets and udon. Jung Joo Haeng is looking at the vocabulary list while walking. Kang Min Jae is looking at Jung Joo Haeng without speaking and Go Yoo Han is walking unstoppably. Next to Kang Min Jae and Go Yoo Han’s heights, I get a bad mood. Compared to that, I feel a little better because Jung Joo Haeng is smaller than me.
But when Go Yoo Han lowers his head to look at my face, even though we just met, I really want to headbutt his nose.
“Now that I see you again, you really are pretty.”
“I’m not pretty.”
“Aren’t you working for the development team these days? Are you really not a trainee?”
“I told you I’m not.”
Since I’m already feeling bothered, I really can’t shake the feeling that I sat in the wrong place. Not only that, all students from a year go to the restaurant at the same time, but seeing that people keep blinking at us in surprise, I get the feeling something is not right.
I thought that the ‘little weird students’ the teacher mentioned was referring to Go Yoo Han. But the one who makes kids falter when they see him is Kang Min Jae.
“Then art and physical education?” *as a college major, people who study this usually go into the entertainment business.
“No.”
“Then how do you plan to live with that face?”
“I’ll just live normally.”
“With that face?”
Go Yoo Han is really upsetting. People get tired. After I get served on the board I sit down and stare at Go Yoo Han. He opens his eyes wide above the mask.
“You’ll waste your life like that.”
He says some unnecessary nonsense like that. Jung Joo Haeng finally puts down his vocabulary list. Then Kang Min Jae says softly “Thank you for the meal.”
Among these three, Kang Min Jae seems the most normal. But the other kids look at Kang Min Jae with fear, so it’s contradictory.
Holding my chopsticks, I am sprinkling a bit of tartar sauce on my fish cutlets when it happens. I raise my head because I feel Go Yoo Han take his mask off across from me. At that moment, the black mask being taken off by Go Yoo Han moves very slowly. Light suddenly explodes from behind him. A color that seems to contain all sorts of anxious feelings flutters in the air. After that, I can see the kids shining with a sort of crumbling texture. The school uniform that I saw as dolphin gray and white comes with a different feeling.
My head hurts as if a thousand needles have been stuck and pulled out from it. As soon as I take my eyes off the moving kids, a long crossing line on the wall seems to stab my eyes. It’s the plain wall decorations that I saw as shark gray just until a moment ago. I feel my eyes burning as a stimulus that I never felt before comes to them. I blink tightly against the sudden penetrating sense that shakes my vision. My body is gradually falling backwards, the snow white background of the ceiling with the light grey pattern shine with the feeling of fine sand. The whole world collapses in on me.
When Mom talked about the Color Rush, she said it was incredibly romantic.
She was window shopping on the street when she met dad by coincidence. At that moment, the sun was shining lightly over dad’s shoulder, mom really liked dad’s brown cardigan. There were many clothes in the show windows, and their colors bloomed like flowers and covered mom. Mom said she collapsed with her hand reaching towards dad. When she opened back her eyes, she saw dad and experienced color rush again and fainted.
I had no desire for a probe or for color rush.
Even so, I could have never dreamed the place I’d feel color rush in would be the school restaurant and with fish cutlets in front of me.
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