“Facial blindness disorder in which he can’t even recognize the face of his childhood friend.”
He lets go of Park Ki Won’s arm at those words. There’s finally a reason to why he keeps asking me to show him my face. I wanted to know why. He’s always saying I’m pretty, so I wondered if it was because he really likes my face. Park Ki Won points to Jung Joo Haeng and says:
“Last year Jung Joo Haeng became class rep because he confused him with the class president.”
“Thank you very much for the useless details.”
“Uhh… I think I did something tactless.”
Only after Jung Joo Haeng makes a sound as if gritting his teeth does he step back, as if grasping the situation. I look at Jung Joo Haeng. Seeing him holding his forehead with a hand seems like the right reaction.
“I didn’t mean to say anything.”
“It’s okay. It’s not good to talk about other people’s faults behind their backs.”
“… I’m sorry.”
“Joo Haeng, you have nothing to apologize for.”
To put it in perspective, it’s Go Yoo Han’s mistake. The issue is not that Go Yoo Han can’t recognize faces, but that he didn’t tell me. He didn’t tell me the reason why he kept asking to see my face was to memorize it, he only tempted me with the colors.
Now I understand what Jung Joo Haeng had said*. The way he looked at me in the apartment complex, like he was observing me, and how he stared at me in front of the classroom door. Even more so, why he didn’t recognize Jung Joo Haeng today. *he’s talking about when Jung Joo Haeng said Yoo Han is trying to memorize Yeon Woo’s face.
My thoughts alone were so tumultuous I didn’t understand Go Yoo Han’s intentions. No, actually, I’ve thought about it several times, I just can’t understand it. No, I just wonder why. I don’t understand everything Go Yoo Han does, and why he’s trying to tell me the colors. How does my colore moving look like to him? Maybe it’s because he sees me differently from other people. That’s why he offered to teach me the colors in exchange for seeing my face. I don’t know. Because I experience color rush, I can’t see Go Yoo Han’s facial expression in reaction to my colore moving.
“I just understand now why Go Yoo Han behaves in such a particular way.”
“No. It’s because when he’s hooked on someone he digs like crazy. He’s an unruly bastard.” *Joo Haeng, why do you expose him like that LOL
So, he’s always been flirting with me*? Those words bother me a little. He comes up to me and says I’m pretty, whines to get my attention, memorizes all color names, bought me a book, showed me a rainbow… No way, Choi Yeon Woo. Come on. What you’re doing right now it’s like the beginning of the obsession of a mono with a probe. The answer should be the same. You have to refuse. Just because you know this situation doesn’t change the issue. That’s why it’s not good to be angry at someone who’s been nice to me. *Well, yeah, so I’ve been telling you, but you don’t want to listen to mommy conscience, so, here we are.
“I wish he was less obsessed with you, but when he sees your… eyes shaking, he goes mad.”
Just in case the kids passing by can hear, Jung Joo Haeng turns the words around to refer to my colore moving. Who’s worried about who’s obsessed with whom? If you know what I’m thinking right now, you wouldn’t worry about me but about Go Yoo Han. Jung Joo Haeng smiles awkwardly with his lips closed. Jung Joo Haeng is not even at fault, so I just answer:
“Don’t think too much about it.”
Actually, I already think too much about Go Yoo Han.
-
Go Yoo Han returns just before ordinance. I observe him carefully, but there’s nothing particularly different. Actually, it just has him start to speak nonsense again.
“My Yeon Woo, why are you looking at me so prettily?”
“I’m not pretty.”
“Are you trying to make my heart flutter~?”
“… No, never mind.”
“It’s too bad your lunch date with me it’s gone.”
“Ah.”
I was going to say no, but it is a shame I can’t see the rainbow again. I’m annoyed because Go Yoo Han looks pleased by my reaction.
“It’s not a date.”
It’s true that it’s disappointing, so I deny the other part of what he said. I get nervous for a moment because Go Yoo Han puts his finger on his nose as if he’s going to pull down the mask, and his eyes are smiling. He’s never just taken the mask off all of a sudden, but it seems he might. However, he just adjusts it, as if the part he touched was a little uncomfortable.
When the tension is gone, I get a little curious about how far can Go Yoo Han recognize my face. For me, as soon as I see his face, I faint because of color rush, so I can’t picture his face properly.
I’m engulfed by useless thoughts, but Go Yoo Han only plays around and doesn’t say he will show me the colors.
Pizza arrives for lunch and Jung Joo Haeng makes a ‘hmm’ sound and says its one pizza for two people. Kim Se Hyun carries four packed boxes and says it’s two chicken wings per person.
Go Yoo Han and Kang Min Jae go get the pizzas, Go Yoo Han brings potato pizza and Kang Min Jae pineapple pizza. When Go Yoo Han sees the pineapple pizza, he squints his eyes.
“Why bring the cucumber soup of pizza?”
“Joo Haeng likes pineapples.”
“When they’re not on pizza.”
Kang Min Jae’s eyes tremble slightly at those words.
“Ah, I’m fine with pineapple.”
When I say so, Go Yoo Han’s eyes are the ones trembling this time. He looks at me as if I said I’m a cannibal. After Jung Joo Haeng finishes paying, he comes back to his seat and tears off a slice of pineapple pizza and rolls it up.
“You’re Kim Se Hyun, aren’t you?”
“Shut up, I like pineapple.”
As he says this, I fix my eyes to the other side of Go Yoo Han. I feel the mask being lowered and see his big hands overlapping two slices of pizza to face each other. I eat a slice of potato pizza, there were other slices, but before I know it, the pizza is all gone. Go Yoo Han takes the empty pizza box and comes back with another pizza. It’s pepperoni this time, and I see his hands rolling two slices together again.
“I’m glad I let you all relax.”
“Good job,” says Kang Min Jae, praising Jung Joo Haeng for his hard work as he looks around the class at the kids who are inhaling the pizza Jung Joo Haeng ordered with his usual empty eyes. I’m reminded of it then too.
“Thank you for the meal,” I tell Jung Joo Haeng.
Pineapple pizza seems to be okay, it’s a bit sweet, but Go Yoo Han doesn’t lay a finger anywhere near it. As if finishing up with the pizza, he grabs the wing, and soon I see his hand laying down the bare bones. He’s very fast. I was thinking about eating them now, but I’m full because of the pizza, so I push the remaining two pieces of wings towards Go Yoo Han. *HE’S FEEDING HIM. THAT’S IT. YOU’RE A COUPLE NOW, CHOI YEON WOO AND DON’T YOU COME AT ME SAYING I DIDN’T TELL YOU.
“Why aren’t you eating?”
“Mm, I’m full.”
“My Yeon Woo has to eat well.”
“You eat it.”
“Mm.”
I can only hear Go Yoo Han’s accepting sound, I can’t see his face. Still, his long fingers reach for the chicken wing and I think he really eats well, however, another hand comes in from the other side.
“Eat moderately.”
Jung Joo Haeng says as he grabs the last chicken wing. Then he looks at Go Yoo Han and whisks it away.
“Yeon Woo gave it to me!”
Says Go Yoo Han in a harsh tone. I don’t know if Jung Joo Haeng is going to leave it and be offended, so I think it doesn’t actually matter who eats it. In any case, Jung Joo Haeng and Kim Se Hyun bought the chicken and the pizza, so I think it wouldn’t matter if they eat more, but I pushed it towards Go Yoo Han, just as I think things didn’t work out as I intended, Kang Min Jae gets up and approaches Kim Se Hyun. Kim Se Hyun gets nervous when he sees Kang Min Jae. The two of them say something and Kang Min Jae comes back with another box of chicken.
“Joo Haeng, you like chicken.”
“Oh, uh, yeah.”
Jung Joo Haeng looks at the box that suddenly appeared and at Kang Min Jae, then he opens the box and puts a chicken wing in front of Go Yoo Han. It seems that Jung Joo Haeng didn’t eat much pizza, but eats the chicken better and at a faster pace. Although, it’s still a lot slower than a normal person’s speed.
“Se Hyun said he ordered the exact amount for the class.”
“I just asked if there was anything left.”
If Kang Min Jae asks, the guys would feel like they have to give it to him even if there’s nothing left. Jung Joo Haeng murmurs “Thanks.” And sucks on the chicken wing while looking at Go Yoo Han.
“I still won’t forgive you for eating the chicken my Yeon Wo gave me!”
Even if I think it’s the same chicken anyways, I reflect on myself for almost blaming Jung Joo Haeng until just now. * heh…
-
During every break time, Go Yoo Han looks at my face and says nonsense, but strangely, he doesn’t mention the deal. He said the day before yesterday that he would only wait until this week*. I wonder if he will give me a grace period again, but I don’t ask. I thought I should say I can’t make such a deal first, but Go Yoo Han just looks around. *It’s Friday
Even when it’s time to get off school, he accompanies me all the way to the door of the apartment complex, stares at me and says: “Get inside safely,” and walks away. I quietly consider in my mind if he’s tired of offering to teach me the colors.
Why? Why aren’t you asking? Why didn’t you show me any colors today? I keep thinking as I go up from the entrance of the apartment. Of course, it could be because we couldn’t do it during lunch hour. We ate the pizza and cleaned up, so there wasn’t as much time left as I thought there would be. If I fainted during a break, it would’ve been difficult to take the next class. Or did he think we’ll see each other this weekend again? No, last week was a one-time event. I kept wondering why he didn’t bring it up all day, so I was a little nervous all day as well. Today I suddenly realized the reason why he’s obsessed with my face, and also thought over my resolution to refuse. But Go Yoo Han is gone. We didn’t even talk about meeting over the weekend.
I think maybe he’ll just ask again next week. Or maybe I can answer through messenger. He comes over to see my face like he does at school, but there hasn’t been a single message since we went to the bookstore last week*. *Listen, before anyone goes off about Yeon Woo being obsessed, think about you waiting for a message from your crush. Yes. This is a teenage boy with the beginnings of a crush. Don’t come at him.
Are you sure my face is the reason? Thinking about it, even though the question is solved, I’m angry on one side. There’s a reason why many Monos lock Probes up. There’s this kid over here, and he’s very relaxed about it. The moment the thought crosses my mind, I feel a sense of shame. The obsession is what I’m most afraid of, how can I think something like this? *SEE? NOT CRAZY. Totally aware of his thoughts!
My phone rings. It’s aunt. I didn’t even send her a message when I got home.
“Mm.”
[“Choi Yeon Woo, the article that came out today, it’s just a family suicide, it has nothing to do with mono. The husband who committed suicide was a mono, but the spouse wasn’t a probe. The first report that went out is wrong.”]
My aunt is rushing to talk to me, her words pouring out.
“The news?”
[“Mm, so don’t mind it.”]
I turn on the TV and tune it onto Y News. The panel is talking about the subject “What’s wrong with diplomacy?”, but the news pass through the text at the bottom of the screen. Suicide after killing a family member, involving a 40-year-old mono and a probe spouse. The words chill my blood. What was I just thinking about Go Yoo Han? Even worse, I just sympathized with Monos’ idea of owning their probe.
[“The news is wrong, so it’s still going to need a correction, so don’t mind it.”]
“When did I care about this sort of thing, aunt?”
Then I mute the TV in case my aunt hears it and turn on my laptop. The real-time search for Mono Family Murder is ranked second. The article is full of provocative words. After excessive investment, the family falters and is pessimistic, so after killing his spouse out of suspicion of them cheating on them, the man commits suicide. As I read the article, my aunt says in an urgent voice:
[“It didn’t happen because he was a mono, so don’t pay attention to it. You don’t even have a probe, so you don’t have to worry about this kind of thing.”]
Aunt, I have a probe. His name is Go Yoo Han and he’s nothing but unexpected.
[“Don’t worry, because it’s all speculation that the spouse cheated on them.”]
“Mm.”
[Choi Yeon Woo!”]
“Mm.”
My aunt’s voice brings me somewhat back, I almost went down to the comments as if in a daze. But it’s all the same things everyone says every time a Mono hurts their Probe. I know that what my aunt said it’s not a lie, but my heart is pounding as if I had seen the incident myself. Because the person who murdered their family and I have something in common.
[“What do you want for your birthday?”]
Auntie turns the subject around*. I answer while hiding my excessively beating heart as best as I can. *I always wonder why on earth aunt called to tell him about it, if she hadn’t called, he would probably go to sleep thinking about why Go Yoo Han hadn’t messaged him yet…
There’s something powerful in my head, but I can’t say it. I say something else instead.
“Leopold FC900R non-click.”
(Leopold FC900R: Leopold is a brand name for a mechanical keyboard, and FC900R is a model name).
[“What.”]
She either didn’t understand the model’s name or it’s her first time hearing of it.
“It’s a mechanical keyboard.”
[“Ah, it’s a keyboard.”]
I add on because she makes a nasal sound that means she can do as much as buying a keyboard, it seems like a lot less than my aunt’s gift budget, but if she doesn’t know the keyboard…
“It’s 140.000 won.” *around 125USD
[“I’ll also get the cake.”]
I think it’s an incomprehensible price. I can’t understand this aunt who stole the company’s keyboard, mouse and battery before. *LOL. He means he doesn’t understand why she would spend that money on a keyboard when she had done that before in order to not buy new ones.
[“In the meantime, eat well! I am eating very well!”]
“Stop posting pictures of your food.”
[“I’ll get some Omegi rice cake on my way back!”]
She says this and hangs up. The birthday present I really want escapes my lips as I see the screen disconnect.
“Probe surgery.” *:((((((((((
If I’m going to become this scary, I at least have to get away from Go Yoo Han, or get rid of the elements that will obsess me. When I’m about to berate myself for being disappointed, I convince myself that I only need to transfer schools without needing the surgery, That’s better. People’s stories tell me that the surgery is a bigger deal than it seems. I think so too. *As in, it’s more dangerous and not such a dream-like solution as described.
I go back to what I had been doing before to get my head around things, the crawled photos are shown in a slideshow and I’m looking for the presence of probes with the people who are still active. Then I remember aunt mentioned Omegi rice cakes, so she must be in Jeju Island. I look for cases in Jeju, there are some trip reviews but nothing else related to the mono disappearances. I wonder why she’s in Jeju, but I push the thought aside, thinking she might have gone to investigate other things and not this case.
Then my eyes and my head start to play separately again. My eyes are looking for clues of monos with probes, but as I go over the article, I think about today’s incident and Go Yoo Han’s reason for not asking about the deal.
Is he starting to be scared that I’m a mono now? That’s why he didn’t ask me to show him my face? And he doesn’t think he’s supposed to show he’s taking distance that’s why he kept talking nonsense as usual?
If we get further and further away… is that normal? Ah, I don’t know. My head is spinning and the pictures I’m looking at are spinning too. I don’t know if a person’s post that says: “Is it love or fate?” refers to a probe or not.
***
Saturday without my aunt is the same as last week. Through the café’s Wi-Fi I turn on the CCTV which is in default setting. Watching people passing by quickly in the video, I find some of them familiar. I see the back of their heads, but their way of walking and way of dressing doesn’t change much. Seeing people walking by resulting familiar to me, I wonder if it is with characteristics like these that Go Yoo Han distinguishes people. Or does he recognize them by their voice? That would be harder in school, because everyone wears uniforms, in that case he will notice by the voice. I think next time, I should say hello first when I see Go Yoo Han, and I miss the video. As I rewind it, I think it’s useless. But I remember that one time Go Yoo Han looked at my face before saying hello and said “My Yeon Woo sure is pretty,” I’m confused. And I wonder if he ever did it to other people. I feel sorry for the kid who suffered such a thing. I’ve never seen it happen, but whenever I hear those words, my inner peace breaks down and I have to say I’m not pretty. Wah… It’s really serious. Then Go Yoo Han not even recognizing Jung Joo Haeng comes to mind again. If they’ve been friends since elementary school, but he can’t recognize him, how bad is it? Jung Joo Haeng is not very characteristic, but he’s not indistinguishable from others. In particular Kim Se Hyun who has unusual eyes and a snaggle tooth, so he’s completely different from Jung Joo Haeng, but he can’t tell them apart…
In a different sense, I wonder if Go Yoo Han is just not interested in Jung Joo Haeng’s face.
*This is the inner monologue of a teenager with a crush. I am decked up and ready to fight. Square up whoever calls my son crazy (ง'̀-'́)ง
***
I have a rough idea on the ten get-together participants who are still active online. Seven of them clearly stated there is no probe. One of the three left is an emotional shot and is always posting strange phrases, another rarely mentions personal stories. The problem is that the third one is dododok. ‘Do you like circles?’ the cover that you can’t say it’s pretty without seeing the colors. I make a list, for seven out of ten people I add ‘no probe’, two ‘no idea’ and for dododok ‘highly likely’.
I’m staring at the cover of ‘Do you like circles?’ and thinking about reading the book when my phone rings. My aunt is the only one who contacted me today, she only sent me a picture of the meat noodles she had at lunch to report she’s alive. What’s more, I’m looking at the cover of ‘Do you like circles?’ and thinking about reading it when the call comes, I stare at the name on the screen for a long time, and it’s at 7pm, when the sun is already down.
I’m not sure, but it seems it’s Go Yoo Han’s number that I didn’t save. I didn’t save it because I thought aunt will be back in two weeks and I will transfer anyways. There were several conversations in Kakaotalk, but I didn’t add him as friend. There was no contact today.
Even if I think it might not be Go Yoo Han, I’m strangely excited to see those numbers, so I can’t make excuses. At the same time, I think the week he mentioned may have been until Sunday, so I’m just looking down at the vibrating cellphone, wondering if he’ll ask.
The answer is fixed anyway, but it’s hard to say. No, it’s pathetic to hesitate. It’s the same thing to put it off. As soon as I reach out with the thought of answering the phone, the vibration stops. When the call is cut off, I hate myself for feeling relieved, even though I know I should call back. If it’s really burdensome, I can’t cut it off quickly. *he means saying no to Go Yoo Han.
(Go Yoo Han)> Yeon Woo-yaaaaaaahhhuuuuuhng ㅜㅜㅜㅜㅜㅜㅜㅜㅜ]
I get a message right away from Go Yoo Han, I’m just going to check it and answer a quick ‘what?’ when the phone rings again. Oh, did he use messenger to prevent me from avoiding the call while I was caught looking at my cellphone? I answer the phone right away, it was Go Yoo Han, and I think it will be better to save the number. I already know it by heart after this short time anyways.
[“Yeon Woo-yah!”]
“What?”
[Where are you~?”]
“Home.”
Go Yoo Han’s voice is dripping with cuteness, he snaps his tongue, a short sound and a ringing voice can be heard. I can’t come up with anything but a short answer in response. I have to refuse. I have to refuse. *LMAO. He’s gotcha.
[“I’m in front of your apartment. Come out?”]
“Why did you come to my house?”
Did he come to the entrance of the apartment like the last time with the bookstore? I’m dressed roughly at home, and I think of not going even as I hurriedly take out a hoodie zip-up. Maybe because I’ve been looking at other people’s private stories all day, I can’t think straight*. *ahem. I’ll save my comment but you all know what I’m thinking.
[“Because I missed My Yeon Woo so much!”]
“Get home safely.”
I'm putting one arm through the hoodie when I hear his nonsense and stop. My answer is longer than the previous ones, but the words are cold.
[“Wah ah, don’t hang up! I couldn’t show you the rainbow before! So, I will show you something else instead!”]
“What is it?”
I’m caught by the word rainbow. I definitely want to see it one more time. As a result, the other arm goes into the hoodie too. He knows exactly how to pull me out by using the colors, he doesn’t even need to use strength to drag me away.
[“Night view”]
-
I end up falling for the night view. It’s not that I’ve never seen a night view, but I have questions, are there really neon lights on the tall buildings? After putting on the long-sleeved hoodie, I can see a tall shadow in the entrance to the apartment complex. Go Yoo Han.
It looks like he’s wearing a long-sleeved hoodie and jeans. The hoodie looks silver gray to my eyes now. Does it have a color too? As I walk and look at it like that, Go Yoo Han wearing a black mask looks at me. This is the face I saw last week. A wary look.
“Go Yoo Han.”
I still have a long way to walk, but I call his name first. He can’t recognize my face yet, but I think he can recognize my voice right away. Right. When I call his name, his eyes look me over and turn into smiling eyes.
“Wah, My Yeon Woo, you’ve become prettier since I haven’t seen you over the weekend.”
“I’m not pretty.”
He talks nonsense as soon as we meet. I make a face at the nonsense and he taps a finger on my forehead.
“Don’t frown your pretty face like that.”
I’m almost answer ‘Then don’t say such nonsense.’
“The night view?”
“We have to go up a little. Can My Yeon Woo follow along? You can’t follow strangers, and you can’t go even if someone buys you candy.”
He uses a tone as if to soothe a kindergartener, I want to tell him we’ve only known each other for two weeks and I’m following you for the night view candy. *you tell him that and he’ll deadass answer “We’ve only known each other for two weeks, but it feels like a lifetime.” Bet.
But even if I’m caught up in the night view Go Yoo Han talked about. I don’t talk to strengthen my determination to refuse the proposal. I’m afraid I’ll get attached to him If we talk more.
We start walking, if the road narrows, Go Yoo Han takes the lead. At first, he says some nonsense or other, but I only give short answers or close my mouth completely, so eventually Go Yoo Han turns quiet. *Don’t censor him, Yeon Woo :(
After going in the direction of the school, we continue walking until we reach a park. On the promenade, I can see people walking their dogs around. We go up gradually along the trail, while walking silently along the trail, a small dog who’s walking with its owner starts barking furiously when he sees Go Yoo Han. After the owner leaves embarrassed with an apology, Go Yoo Han opens his mouth:
“I don’t like dogs.”
I neither agree nor question that remark. However, after leaving the apartment complex he was silent without saying a word and he brings it up, so I turn my eyes towards him. Go Yoo Han’s eyes are cold, similar to when the soccer ball hit on the schoolyard before.
“Nuna said she wanted to raise a dog, and I got bitten when we went to get it.”
“Were you hurt?”
“It bit my leg, but it’s all better now.”
Go Yoo Han stops while walking to pull up his jeans and show his right leg. The light from the streetlights show no signs of injury or any bite marks. He lowers his pants again and walks forward. He also speaks out of nowhere when he steps into the street where there are no streetlights, after a long silence.
“It’s more of a hatred than a dislike.”
“You hate a lot of things.”
Now, it becomes dark around me as I climb the promenade with flat stones spaced apart rather than asphalt. All I can see is Go Yoo Han’s back. It’s so quiet that I can hear the sound of the wind weaving through the grass.
“Yes. I hate cucumbers, pineapple pizza and dogs. On the other hand, I definitely like what I like.”
What do you like? *y’all feeling this atmosphere too, right?
I’m about to ask, but shut my mouth. After the promenade, I see a city night mixed with low and high buildings over Go Yoo Han’s shoulders. Light is mixed and irregular signs between the alleys are visible. There’s a wooden fence that comes up to the thighs, and in front of it there’s a bench without a back.
“Let’s sit here for a bit.”
He says; looking at the night city view, I think there’s nothing special about it. When I sit on the backless seat, Go Yoo Han sits next to me and leans his head on my shoulder. He stretches his left arm behind my back and holds my left elbow with his left hand. When I try to move my arm because I feel we’re too close, Go Yoo Han digs his head on my shoulder and says while hiding his face:
“You can’t faint and fall down.”
Because I’ll have to have color rush to see the night view properly. So, I twist my body a bit and give up. But Go Yoo Han keeps his forehead on my right shoulder without taking off his mask or raising his head. I feel his body move as he breathes evenly. I look down at him after he’s been like that for a while, wondering if he fell asleep. His eyes are closed under his thick eyelashes. I raise my left hand and move it in front of his face. Maybe he feels my movements, but Go Yoo Han looks up. Still wearing his mask.
“Today is the last time we’ll have a trial lesson.’
“Ah.”
I didn’t know, but it comes out of Go Yoo Han’s lips that the deadline is finally over. I feel uncomfortable because I was going to refuse anyways and try to get the color up to the end. I also feel a little sorry, throwing away my resolution*. I hear great disappointment brought over by Go Yoo Han’s pitifulness. *he means he won’t flat out tell him no if the deadline is already over.
“I came here yesterday and saw the night view with sunglasses.”
He looks at me with serious eyes, not the regular Go Yoo Han smiling eyes. I don’t tell him that wearing sunglasses doesn’t necessarily match the grey scale. It’s difficult to reproduce the gray scale unless it is with perfectly adjusted lens. However, from the perspective of ordinary people, I think that sunglasses and gray-scale lenses may look similar.
“Then I thought it might be better to not show you the colors.”
“What’s that?”
What he’s saying is so different from what he usually says. Every time he made me falter by showing me the colors, and now he says it’s better not to do it? I’m so confused because I was so decided to say no to Go Yoo Han, but now he withdraws the offer. What I thought was that I would see the night view and it would be very stimulating and new, so I tried not to get carried away. But now it was the complete opposite.
“But I have to show you once. That even the colors are not beautiful.”
Along with those words, he lowers his mask. Looking at his caramel colored eyes that are not playful, there’s a counter-argument about how the color could not be beautiful. *in other words, he says Yoo Han’s eyes are beautiful.
No, my thoughts flow out. My left arm is pressed and I fall against Go Yoo Han’s side. As my vision subsides, I feel like the yellow of Go Yoo Han’s hoodie is like the madness yellow pressed by darkness and the memory cuts off. No, I’m confused, and the madness yellow seems to be torn apart at night.
-
When I open my eyes, I keep my forehead on Go Yoo Han’s shoulder, no, his arm. I can see his hoodie in front of my eyes, it’s like the color of madness* that could be seen well in the dark. *he calls yellow this.
“What color is this?”
I ask while grabbing the hoodie’s front pocket. From above me I hear a voice saying,
“Lemon green.”
It’s not the usual voice that gives excitement when saying colors. It’s a quiet voice, and for a moment I doubt it can be Go Yoo Han’s voice.
“Yeon Woo-yah, look ahead, over there. It’s the night view.”
When I slowly look up to see if it’s actually Go Yoo Han, since he calls my name affectionally like that, I see the strong brilliant red lights, the sight it’s a bit bizarre and I can’t understand my thoughts. In addition, the night view is stained with all sorts of colors. The signs each emit a powerful color, and the lights of the apartments capture the ordinary lives inside. The light from the companies are either opaque or broken into blinds and leaked out.
The colors that come from the shop signs are mixed with people, dizzily filling the streets, dizzy, stuffy, boring and noisy, more and more so. In foreign countries, the streets of Korea are called a cyberpunk image, and I thought cyberpunk meant an SF* atmosphere, but it’s closer to ma dystopian site where people are kept and raised in a mechanical device called civilization. *Space Fantasy *Yeon Woo: this is The Matrix.
“The night view here is the worst night view I’ve seen. The messiest one.”
I look at Go Yoo Han, who has a slight laugh at the end of his words. Wearing a black mask and a long, lemon color hoodie, both hands inside the front pocket. He didn’t even hold me after I pulled myself upright. Looking at this night view, I feel us distancing. *sobs
Rather than the night view, it would be more fascinating seeing Go Yoo Han’s eyes looking at me in the dark. They’re stable and aesthetically better. I look at the night view again. It would not be a strange scene to see people being shot and killed by being exposed to strong light due to the laser like red lights. Large buildings are inadvertently emitting light over people as if they are photosynthesizing in a square space without any individual characteristics.
Suddenly, it occurs to me that poultry farms raise chickens faster by adjusting the time they are exposed to light. Obviously, those square apartments and the people in the companies are not like that, but everything is starting to look strange. *I’ve already warned you all about Yeon Woo’s bullet train of thought.
“It’s a mess.”
I have no choice but to imitate Go Yoo Han’s evaluation. It really is a mess. It’s different from the situation in which Go Yoo Han showed me the colors one by one. I feel frustrated seeing the artificial spaces intertwining with each other while thinking about the rainbow. Obviously, the park is open, but the view makes it harder to breathe than in the science room’s warehouse.
“Why on earth did you show me this?”
The words come out in anger towards Go Yoo Han, who deliberately chose a terrible night view. It’s only been two weeks since I first saw color and now I see this. I’m curious about the colors of the signs that radiate like poking the eyes of those in front of them, but it’s difficult to make eye contact with the bare face of the city. Go Yoo Han’s expression seems calm, not joking or laughing.
“Yeon Woo, because you…”
He’s quiet for a long time after saying that. I just look at his caramel eyes and his lemon color hoodie for no reason. Yellow is the color of madness, but it looks like the color of spring when Go Yoo Han is wearing it. I think I know what it’s called, like a yellow forsythia flower.
“…don’t want to learn the colors.”
I was thinking that if this is lemon color, does it mean the skin of the lemon, or the juice inside? But his words cut through my thoughts.
You always jokingly suggested it. You said it with a smile. ‘I’ll teach you the colors, so show me your face’. You always asked if I wasn’t curious about the color. You were going to keep pushing until I said yes.
But the Go Yoo Han from now talks as if he already knows my answer. That’s right. It’s right. I’ll never learn the colors. I’m not curious. I roll my eyes because every time I want to see more of the colors Go Yoo Han shows me, and now he’s telling me that he’ll stop.
Is it, ‘since I’m your probe, it’s dangerous?’ No, you said it was fine even when I told you were in danger. You said you would be with me and make sure I don’t faint anymore. What does all of this have to do with this terrible night view?
The lemon color of the hoodie gradually fades to silver color at Go Yoo Han’s words. The color has faded. I can’t understand so I look into Go Yoo Han’s eyes. I don’t know what kind of silly expression I’m making, but I wait for him to continue speaking. I don’t understand why he’s saying this now. I look into his eyes, waiting for a usual Go Yoo Han remark, but he looks down and avoids my eyes first.
Ah.
Go Yoo Han avoids my eyes first. Now he’s really decided to not show me the colors. Is that why he showed me such a terrible night view? The colors aren’t beautiful. Colors are not beautiful, so let’s give up.
“Ah, shit…”
The curse escapes my mouth. When Jung Joo Haeng and Kang Min Jae said it would be difficult to handle Go Yoo Han, I though they meant his nonsense. I didn’t expect that it was because he shakes people up like this.
“Who doesn’t want to learn the colors?”
I feel like a fever is boiling up inside of me. Are you really going to show me so many beautiful things and end it like this?
Besides, I’m sure Go Yoo Han knows more things. What are the names of the colors he’s told me so far! His eyes return to me at my words. I speak, looking directly into his eyes.
“You said to answer by this week.”
I say it to confirm it, not asking it. Go Yoo Han blinks a few times and nods lightly.
“Go Yoo Han, you said so, you’ll show me the colors, I’ll show you my face, right?”
“That’s right.”
Only his voice is heard in the originally quiet park. He’s clearly hiding something. That’s why he was trying hide what he has by showing the night view like this and turning his head away. This is the first time I felt uncomfortable with color after I saw it with color rush.
Moreover, it’s annoying that the situation was created by Go Yoo Han.
“How do I show you my face?”
His eyes get big at my words. He originally has big eyes, but I think that for a moment they really are big, because I can see very well how they grow bigger as in surprise. That doesn’t mean that my headache or the feverish feeling lessen.
‘You have to look at me when I ask you to look at me.”
“Like this?” *Drama 10/10
I push my face closer to Go Yoo Han’s and his eyes shift again, they narrow slightly and the corners crinkle. Oh? Why is he smiling? By the time that thought crosses my mind, I realize I acted by instinct. Like last time when that guy… I forgot the name*. When that guy barked like a dog, I couldn’t ignore it and went directly for his vital spot. Now, I got caught by Go Yoo Han’s eyes for no reason, and acted as if I’m clinging to the proposal. That’s not it. This is not what I prepared for. *Jinsang LMAO
When I’m thinking that, Go Yoo Han asks:
“So, you will learn the colors?”
I know better than anyone else that I have to answer no and get out. It was me who hated myself the most during the two weeks I learned the colors, and I know I get dragged around by Go Yoo Han’s nonsense, and I faint because of color rush. I tried to hold on until aunt came back, and I even thought about probe surgery.
“Yes.”
However, my feverish head and the cold air of the park, along with the pulsing headache make it impossible for my nerves to pass. Contrary to the night view, Go Yoo Han and the peaceful night sky behind him intertwine as if in a canvas, and another answer pops out of my mouth.
I’m doomed.
I’m sure I’m screwed.
I may record this moment as one of life’s greatest regrets. So far, I only regretted not following mom on the day she went missing. It’s also the first time that I do something so big that I regret it in just five seconds. Even right before I answered, I knew I shouldn’t do this, but I still said yes.
The night view was like trash, and Go Yoo Han’s eyes that look dolphin gray because they lost color are too beautiful. That’s probably why my answer went the other way.
Go Yoo Han’s eyes are still smiling.
***
I don’t want to go to school.
Aunt would be like that sometimes.
“I don’t want to go to work.”
“It’s different from school.”
I don’t want to go to work!”
“Ah, why do humans have to work?”
“Yeon Woo, grow up fast and support your aunt.”
“If only there was a fire in the company with no one inside.”
“If only the company building was shut off because of an earthquake.”
“If only we got the day off because of a fake attack call.”
Now that I think about it, it doesn’t seem to be often. No, she goes to work too, but there are many cases where she has to go outside in the morning. Maybe it’s because she doesn’t have to work in the morning often.
I don’t miss school because of the rational conclusion that it’s inevitable compulsory education and that it would be better to go to school normally if I want to get a decent job later. But I really don’t want to go to school today.
Yesterday, after I said something to regret in the park, Go Yoo Han smiled and pulled me in by the waist and rubbed his forehead on my shoulder. Of course, I pushed him off right away, but when I saw his smiling eyes, I wanted to hit him. There was already no one passing by, and I couldn’t see any CCTV, so I thought it would be okay to hit him just a little.
I got up from the seat and asked to go home. We walked together to the front of the apartment complex since he had to go to the bus stop anyways. The more often spoken words on the way were “Look at me”. Every time, I turned to look at Go Yoo Han to show him my face. As he teased me like this, I didn’t turn when he called “Yeon Woo-yah”, but only when he said “Look at me”. He seemed to really enjoy it and laughed with his shoulders going up and down and I felt really cheated.
I felt like I was under provocation command. I’ve made my mind up several times. I resolve to refuse, no matter how many times he proposes it. I’m angry because today is a Monday and because who thinks school is a good thing?! The world never seems to be on my side, but I’m angrier today.
As soon as I get inside the elevator, I shout.
“Aaaaaaahhhhhhggggg!!!!”
As I scream like this, the door of the elevator opens and a man on a suit looks at me a little scared. I shut my mouth with a trembling head. When I get off the elevator, I see the man rushing out. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you, I’m just angry at my own pathetic behavior.
Still, if my aunt comes back and I transfer, it will all be solved. Anyway, it wasn’t a big deal to endure it for the past two weeks, so I can endure it for two more weeks. Thinking so, I open the door to the classroom. Go Yoo Han turns his head and looks at me.
“Hello.”
I say hello first because I don’t like how Go Yoo Han’s eyes are, not joking and smiling like usual, but weary as when he sees someone else. His eyes immediately sparkle at my greeting and he starts with the nonsense.
“My Yeon Woo is pretty today too.”
“I’m not pretty.”
I almost throw my bag in my seat because I’m annoyed. I can see something in Go Yoo Han’s hand, it’s the color chart. I told you to make it disappear before, why did you bring it today? Jung Joo Haeng hasn’t arrived yet and Kang Min Jae is looking at the corner of the room where the trash can is, but where there’s no one. I think I can understand why kids avoid Kang Min Jae, but that doesn’t mean he’s doing anything bad to me*, so it’s okay like this. *Go Yeon Woo*******, this is how I raised you. Don’t be a prejudiced mf like some people I won’t mention. *****LMAO, I JUST REALIZED THIS WOULD BE HIS NAME IF (WHEN?) HE MARRIES YOO HAN!! GO YEON WOO. AFGSDFDAGSFGAFSGA *slaps self to calm tf down.
“Hi, Min Jae-yah.”
“2467”
Kang Min Jae looks at me with his unfocused eyes and says that number out of the blue. I wonder what number he’s talking about, or if there’s something strange going on amongst the kids. Go Yoo Han blinks and makes a short noise.
“The grandpa told me on the condition you will take Yeon Woo there.”
“Yes, yes. Please say thank you to grandpa. Grandpa likes lamb skewers, right? Should I buy some next time?”
“…….”
He answers as if he already knows the answer, but Kang Min Jae only looks at the trash can as before without saying a word. I’m puzzled and can’t figure out what the situation is.
“What is it?”
When I ask Go Yoo Han instead of Kang Min Jae, he makes a pointing motion towards the ceiling with his finger. I look at the ceiling thinking there may be something there, but there’s nothing.
“What is it?”
When I ask the same question again, Jung Joo Haeng comes into the classroom. When Jung Joo Haeng comes in, Kang Min Jae’s stare stops and the light returns to his eyes. Im curious about the number Kang Min Jae said, but Kang Min Jae’s expression changing so suddenly at the appearance of Jung Joo Haeng is more interesting*. *Indeed.
I can’t ask directly to his face, but I wonder why the change is so dramatic. Jung Joo Haeng says a brief and strong greeting.
“Shit, Monday morning.”
Hearing it like that, you would think one of us three is called Shit. He sits down with a haggard look and stares the smiling Go Yoo Han for about three seconds.
“What are you feeling so good about on Monday?!”
An actual fight! That’s starting a real fight on Monday morning! But Go Yoo Han answers unworriedly.
“Since My Yeon Woo is pretty even on Monday.”
“I’m not pretty.”
In fact, It’s Jung Joo Haeng who started a fight with Go Yoo Han, but I get a blow for free. Jung Joo Haeng expresses his dislike at Go Yoo Han’s words by crumpling his whole face.
“I’m the one who talked to you.”
“Yes, Jung Joo Haeng. You’ve been talking to me since elementary school. But it’s not enough, what to do?”
The atmosphere is obviously not good no matter how you look at it, but Go Yoo Han answers back very clearly with his still smiling eyes.
“… I can spit on a smiling face too.”
“Oh, I want to see that today! Spit on!”
Jung Joo Haeng is gearing up to keep going while grinding his teeth, so I think I should try to calm things down a bit, so I lightly push Go Yoo Han’s forehead away with my hand. Then Go Yoo Han looks at me, slowly blinking his big eyes.
“My Yeon Woo, are you worried about me?”
“No, I don’t think Jung Joo Haeng is in a good mood, so you’re fighting for no reason.”
“Seeing Go Yoo Han smiling makes me feel worse. If you want to know what hell feels like, just look at Go Yoo Han.”
Jung Joo Haeng shakes his head. But why is he cursing Go Yoo Han? I alternately look at Jung Joo Haeng and Go Yoo Han in question. Go Yoo Han folds is arms, leans on his desk and looks at me.
“Jung Joo Haeng said you would never accept me, Yeon Woo.”
Ah. I see. If it wasn’t for the trash-like night view and my giving the wrong answer because I was confused, Jung Joo Haeng would’ve been right.
“Go Yoo Han, did you bring any gold from your house? Choi Yeon Woo, I hoped you wouldn’t fall for it!”
Jung Joo Haeng growls at Go Yoo Han and then says that to me with pity. The tone is so different I don’t know what he’s trying to say. Although I have a good idea of what it is when I see Go Yoo Han’s smiling face. I realize I’ve fallen for it. *They’re talking about Go Yoo Han’s plan/proposal, not love. Yet. LOL.
“Nuna told me not to bring anything from home until we start going out. My Yeon Woo, what do you like?”
“No, I don’t need anything.”
Why would I take anything? We’re not dating. Go Yoo Han now supports his chin with both hands and looks at me with twinkling eyes. Jung Joo Haeng makes a noise from the side. Go Yoo Han winks his right eye at me. I turn my head away because I don’t want him to do that.
“Look at me.”
However, I have to bite my teeth and look back at him at his pleading tone. When I turn back towards Go Yoo Han, I feel like Jung Joo Haeng’s state gets worse.
“God help me, I couldn’t save this person.”
“That’s enough already.”
Go Yoo Han is a bit, no, quite, or more like, very burdensome sometimes and he says a lot of nonsense, but he’s not bad.
Jung Joo Haeng is dramatically holding his forehead with his right hand in despair.
“Do you want the most expensive thing in my house?”
“No, I don’t need it.”
Why does he want to bring me something? * Okay, here we go again, it was customary to give the bride gifts from the groom’s house during courtship to ascertain his intentions… I can barely write this. The face of Go Yoo Han, and Yeon Woo so clueless. I’m fading…
You can just watch my colore moving the whole week, and you will show me the colors. No matter how many times I think I was tricked into answering, I don’t intend on going back on my word now.
“I’ve already brought it.”
He rummages through his bag. Is it okay to bring the most expensive thing from one’s house so recklessly? Is it something like the house deed? Is it? I panic for a moment so I lean towards Go Yoo Han. What on earth is he trying to get out of there?
My eyes are fixed on the hand that’s inside the bag, and strangely, an empty hand comes out. The empty hand flips once in the air and the palm sticks on Go Yoo Han’s face next to the black mask. My eyes follow his hand from the bag to his face.
“I brought Yoo Hanie.”
“Oh, fuck it.”
I’m literally speechless because I’m dumbfounded by him. But it’s Monday morning that Jung Joo Haeng, who is in a bad mood, can’t stand, so he curses extra hard. No, he didn’t have any intention to hold back anyways from the beginning. Go Yoo Han blinks rapidly, opening his eyes wide. I come up with an appropriate expression on my own.
“What a piece of art.”
It was a great trick. Words of nonsense could never express such behavior. Go Yoo Han shakes his head with his eyes still smiling.
“I’m more of a masterpiece than just a piece of art. How can God make such a human being and let others feel a sense of inferiority otherwise?” *I can see that recipe meme in Yoo Han’s head: and a bit of perfection… oops! LMAO.
This time, I shake my head at his words.
“Rubbish.” *the word sounds similar to the one for masterpiece in Korean.
At those words, Jung Joo Haeng makes a ‘pfft’ sound and laughs next to me. Then he takes some study notes from his bag. I look at Jung Joo Haeng’s notes because I feel I may get a headache if I keep looking at more of Go Yoo Han’s tricks. I can see the book title in neat handwriting: Little Ladies.
Then he wrote his review: I watched the movie Parasite. A male tutor is not the answer.
I look at my own tutor at those words. Go Yoo Han’s body shakes lightly as if he’s in a good mood and he says:
“I was about to tell you to look at me, but it seems we communicated telepathically, My Yeon Woo.”
Will it be okay to learn the colors from him? Can we get along well for the rest of the week?
Eventually, I actually get a headache, so I turn back to Jung Joo Haeng’s review.
The love that caused the protagonist to give up on her inheritance in the novel, and the love in the movie, to me it didn’t seem like love but only sweet talk to trap the girl in both cases. The friend next to me also made the wrong choice as to what kind of sweet talk he was attracted to. My heart aches a lot as a friend. That’s why the love affair in Little Ladies and the child’s fantasy in Parasite overlapped with my friend’s wrong choice and made it hard for me to finish the last chapter.
Jung Joo Haeng looks at me briefly. Even through the thick lenses I can see his thoughts in his eyes. He sighs deeply.
“What I want to say to you has three letters both in English and in Korean: R.U.N. Hit. The. Road.” *original: R. U. N. 도. 망. 쳐. Korean is a syllabic language, so when he says three letters, it means three syllables in Korean. *Also, Jung Joo Haeng sees everything. LOL.
***
I’m mixing the bean sprout bibimbap with force when I look down and see Go Yoo Han’s bowl is already empty. He’s already wearing his mask and looking at me. They say it can be bad to eat so fast, I don’t know if it’s okay. I don’t know if Go Yoo Han is used to eating so fast, or if he does it so that I don’t faint in the restaurant by accident. I don’t ask because I think I’ll feel very sorry if it’s the latter.
“My Yeon Woo, are you not hungry?”
I must have been caught staring at Go Yoo Han who was fiddling with his cellphone. I look at his twinkling eyes and hurriedly go back to mixing the bibimbap. However, the nonsense already starts.
“What should I buy you? Uchuchu*” *original is 우쭈쭈 this is an onomatopoeic word; it’s usually used to soothe babies. And used to jokingly call someone baby, or to just call someone baby. When the time is right, both Yoo Han and I will just jump from the train and flat out call Yeon Woo baby, but it’s not the moment yet. Lol. **Okay, I want someone to read this and sit down with me to discuss the fact that Go Yoo Han is in love? Like, evidently so? So, so in love? Painfully obviously in love already? Thank you for coming to my TED talk.
“You two are not the only ones eating here.”
Jung Joo Haeng says looking at us with narrowed eyes while trying to put a small bit of bibimbap in his mouth. I don’t know why he includes me, I didn’t even say anything, Go Yoo Han is talking nonsense on his own!
I eat the bibimbap thinking it’s unfair.
After I finish eating, Go Yoo Han leads me upstairs, past the nurse’s office. He has the two color charts I had learned the colors from in one hand, and my patience stretches thin for a moment again at seeing them, because I told him to get rid of them.
Go Yoo Han goes up to the highest floor and further up the stairs, until he stands in front of a metal door. There’s a code lock on the door. As he touches the lock I worry if students can go up to the rooftop. We could get penalty points or a punishment!
“Cheers, grandpa.”
Go Yoo Han says quietly as he opens the lock. The number is 2467. This is what Kang Min Jae said in the morning. It was very easy, but I doubt anyone knows it or goes in. Go Yoo Han opens the door and motions for me to enter.
“Won’t we get in trouble if we go in?”
“Why would we get in trouble?”
Go Yoo Han blinks with an innocent expression. Do I have to explain all the things one is not supposed to do in this world?
“That is… it was locked.”
“Yes, so I opened it.”
“No, it’s just, you’re usually not supposed to go into locked areas.”
“Yeon Woo, you worry too much.”
Meanwhile, Go Yoo Han goes over the door, grabs my arm and pulls me towards him. The rooftop is empty, and there’s a gazebo next to which are a bunch of miscellaneous equipment. The gazebo is very simple, more like a wide bench with a ceiling, a plastic pavilion rather than an historical one.
Go Yoo Han closes the door behind him, I don’t like the squeaky sound of the iron door, but it’s good to get away from the crowded situations of the schoolyard or the classroom.
Go Yoo Han goes towards the gazebo first and sits down. Then he pats his thighs with his hands. I know what that means, but I ignore it and sit down next to him.
“Are you going to faint like this~?”
He asks while wrapping both arms around my waist. On Sunday I also fainted while being held like this. The spring weather is still cool, so it’s not hot or anything, but it’s a bit awkward. Eventually I lower my body and lay down on Go Yoo Han’s thigh. I don’t like looking up at Go Yoo Han. *You’re not short, okay? He’s just tall. Tall enough to give you the perfect hugs, you’ll appreciate it eventually, Choi Yeon Woo. ALSO, LYING DOWN WHERE YOU SAID?!
Go Yoo Han fiddles with my spread-out bangs and smiles. I stare at him, wondering when he’ll take off his mask.
He fiddles for a long time, revealing my forehead and covering again over and over. So, eventually I speak first.
“Aren’t you going to take it off?”
“My Yeon Woo really likes it when I take it off.” *The verb used here is undress, in Korean, there are different verbs for wearing and taking off, according to the type of clothing. The one used here is 벗다, which translates into take off or, undress. That’s why Go Yoo Han teases Yeon Woo like this.
“No, the mask.”
“Wait a bit, let me see your pretty face a little more.”
“I’m not pretty.”
At my words, he softens my frown with his index finger, sweeps my bangs with his palm and then traces my forehead line with his finger.
“It’s round and pretty.”
“I’m not pretty. Lunch time is going to end.”
“Yes, if you want me to take it off, I will.”
That naughty way of speaking has me frowning again. I don’t remember what the colors from the color palette are like. However, there are so many colors, I remember feeling bewildered. I must not grab his collar this time, I’m reminding myself of this as he slowly lowers the mask.
Go Yoo Han’s face is shadowed by the sun, but when I see his cheeks that seem to get fluffy, I reach out without realizing it. Warm and soft colors pour out of what I can see of his skin. My fingertips slowly reach out to trace his cheeks, but then my conscience slips.
-
When I open my eyes, unlike the nurse’s office, what I see in front of me is white shirt tails and watermelon color pants, so I hurriedly turn around. I lied down looking up, but I must have turned left while I was passed out. I’m surprised that my face was facing Go Yoo Han’s body. *implodes.
“My Yeon Woo is awake.”
Go Yoo Han’s black hair and caramel eyes are visible, and the skin that I felt warm earlier looks unusually smooth. I’m a little flustered, so I look at him in silence. As his eyes crinkle, I can’t see the caramel anymore, and he fiddles with my bangs as he did before I fainted.
“It’s okay, the upper body is left-handed, but the lower body is right-handed.” *Oh, my God. I’m not PG 13ing this, but I’m literally blushing. He means his… gochu is towards the right. OMG.
That’s information I didn’t want to know.
“So, the left thigh is safe.”
What happens if it isn’t safe? A natural question pops out, but I don’t want to know the answer. I just hope my face didn’t go too close to Go Yoo Han’s body.
“What color is your skin color?”
In order to erase the really needless, unwanted, unnecessary nonsense that I don’t want more information on, I ask about the color of his skin that caught my eyes before I fainted.
Realizing that my hand is about to go up towards his face again, I hold my right hand down with my left hand. Although Go Yoo Han tends to play with my hair or be overly touchy with me, it doesn’t mean I want to touch him.
I look down at my fiddling hands and remember he said my skin color is pearl color, so I reach up to see if his skin is also pearl color. I don’t touch his face, I just put my hand next to it. The color is a little different from my skin tone.
“I think it’s ivory.”
My skin is pearl color, Go Yoo Han’s is ivory. To compare it, I bring my hand closer to his nose and mouth over the mask.
It’s through the mask, but I can feel his lips pressing on my palm. *KISS. WE DID IT. WE GOT A KISS.
Is he insane? Why would he kiss someone’s palm? I immediately withdraw my hand and become weary. The corners of his eyes are crinkling, so I think I was caught on a prank. *You know, Yeon Woo, people smile when they are happy too. FYI.
I gesture with my finger towards the gazebo that was seen over Go Yoo Han’s shoulder.
“What color is this ceiling?”
Go Yoo Han looks up and looks back down at me.
“Coffee color.”
“That’s the color of coffee?”
He shakes his head at my question.
“It’s different for each coffee. Let’s go get some later and actually compare the colors.”
I nod at this. Go Yoo Han touches my forehead again and places his hand on the back of my head.
“But how long do you want to lie down?”
I get up in a hurry at those words, as I realize I don’t need to be lying down. The floor of the rooftop and the waist-high borders are made of a moon gray cement. When I sit up and turn towards Go Yoo Han, he holds out the color palette to me.
It was the large collection with white letters.
155a.
I say the colors one by one as I pass them by, like Go Yoo Han did before.
“Red.”
The color of fire, the real color of sand, the color of traffic light, the color of blood.
“Orange.”
The color of tangerines, the color of carrots, and the color of cheerfulness.
“Yellow.”
The color of kindergarten hats, the color of sunflowers, the color of madness.
“Yellowish Green.”
The color of sprouts, the color of spring, the color of safety, the color of hope.
“Green.”
The color of the forest, the color of summer, the color of poison, the color of cucumber.
“Turquoise.”
The color of feathers, the color of the deep sea, the color of monsters.
“Blue.”
The color of water, the color of cold and the color that most people like.
“Indigo.”
The indigo color I learned was the color of seriousness, but the one on the color palette shows a rather bright coolness.
“Purple.”
The color of royalty, the color of temptation, the color of mystery.
“Plum.”
The color of calmness, the color of purple cabbage.
Go Yoo Han claps and claps next to me.
“Are you a genius, My Yeon Woo? I only told you once and you know everything.”
“I can’t see the colors, but I know the names.”
“Mm. Then let’s learn how to see the colors together.”
Then he puts down his own color chart and reaches for the color palette I’m holding. His hand wraps over my hand, but I hold on because I don’t want to let go or hand over the color palette.
“The color standard is according to KS A 0011, but there are big individual differences for people’s criteria for their sense of color.”
Go Yoo Han flips through the color chart and stops at turquoise.
“For example, I thought this was blue.”
Then he folds the color chart slightly to look at the back. 8/PB is written repeatedly on the square shape.
“It’s based on the ten basic colors and the color combination of pink and brown.”
He switches to the back of the color palette and shows two colors in front of several pages full of white, gray and black. The color is brighter than the carnation pink from the nurse’s office and duller than the baby pink of Go Yoo Han nails. Also, it’s similar to the color of the classroom’s desks, but it shows more of a red tone. It’s reddish brown!
I never thought I would say these words.
“Is the expression ‘reddish brown’ correct?”
“My Yeon Woo really is a genius! Yes, among people, colors are not represented by accurate numbers, but categorized by the feeling they give off.”
Go Yoo Han slightly angles the color palette to show the back of the pink and brown tags. 141/Pk, 142/Br. Although the abbreviations are not explained separately, the color tags are put next to one another. I know that Pk is Pink and Br is Brown. Just because I can’t see the colors doesn’t mean I don’t know.
“It’s the formulaic expression for a total of 12 colors.”
Go Yoo Han turns over the color palette in my hands and unfolds both sides. On the back, the order of the color chart and short English expressions were written. Like 57/B/sf, 73/Y/pl, 99/P/Itgy. *Don’t ask me, I’m no genius like my son.
“The brown and pink formula expression is not on this color palette.”
He turns the color chart again to show the colors. The background is made of colors I can see even after decoloring.
“My Yeon Woo is so smart, so we’ll go over them one by one and I’ll tell you the
explanation.”
He turns over the ten pages, which are the basic colors he chose, until he gets to red. I wonder if we will go over the basic colors again, but it becomes clear when the first page, red, and the eleventh one overlap. The color from page 11 is a little stronger.
“There’s another name for clay color. So, when you ask, Yeon Woo, I will give you as many color names as I can.”
At those words, the cherry blossom, baby pink and watermelon colors Go Yoo Han mentioned float around in my head. After the color rush, I can picture the colors from memory while I can still see the colors. I hurry through the color palette in case decoloring suddenly happens.
“What kind of modifier is this?”
Since I’m impatient, even though it’s a sequence of reds after the dark colors, I ask before he has the chance to explain when a color similar to coffee color pops out. On the back it reads 31/R/dk.
“Dark, dk.”
I fiddle with the dark and gloomy colors. Maybe it’s because I started learning the colors so late. I guess it’s the right thing to learn when you are young. I can’t tell the difference between the dark colors unless I compare then next to one another. In addition, the dark colors don’t give the feeling of poking in the eye or attracting people. If you’re tired of strong colors, these colors might be good, but that’s not the case for me who haven’t had enough colors yet.
“Ah.”
“The first modifier is Vivid, vd.”
The color overlaps with the basic color and shows a vivid color. I like this side more because it’s stronger and clearer.
“The second modifier is Deep, dp.” *Ok, I think I get it now, they can be transparent-like sheets that you put over the basic colors in order to get different tones, based on brightness, depth, darkness, etc.
The contrast with the vivid color is clear. Moreover, the deep yellow seems similar to the brown I saw earlier, so I search for the brown in the back for no reason.
“The deep yellow seems similar to brown.”
When I’m comparing deep yellow and brown, Go Yoo Han puts his chin on my shoulder and speaks. I’m a bit bothered by the closeness as he also holds my hand while he shows me the color chart, but I try not to care because my attention is fixed on the color palette anyways.
“Since you see the colors in categories rather than feelings, you might think they are similar.
And because it’s a modifier, it’s more of a dark yellow than a deep yellow. But when people say dark yellow, they won’t think of this color. They won’t even think it’s yellow. Since we have a standard, there’s a limit to expressing colors based on modifiers.”
“Then how do you actually use it?”
I’m about to move on to the next color, but decoloring comes. The colors of the tags change similar to the white, gray and black from the background. My shoulders drop and I lose strength. Go Yoo Han pulls his chin back and moves back a little from me.
“I want to see a little more.”
“We still have a lot of days. We’ll learn tomorrow at lunch too.”
Then he pokes my forehead with his index finger.
“Don’t be disappointed. Although you look pretty even when you’re disappointed.”
“I’m not pretty.”
I answer to his nonsense even though I’m feeling sullen.
-
I almost ask Go Yoo Han what he’s doing after school. Since I’ve already decided to learn the colors properly, I’m not going to refuse if Go Yoo Han says we can have extra lessons after school. *This is my son.
During the break, Go Yoo Han speaks nonsense as usual.
Jung Joo Haeng is reviewing the y=f(x) function.
“x is an independent variable; y is a dependent variable… why do we have to know the English terms?”
He suddenly questions the curriculum.
“Is it because you don’t know the English terms?”
“No, I know that x changes independently, and that y depends on the changes in x.”
When Go Yoo Han asks, Jung Joo Haeng answers like that and continues doodling at the corner of his workbook.
“It’s a translation of dependent and independent anyways, but I don’t like the English terms.” *he says the terms in English.
“Then…”
Go Yoo Han asked the question bluntly before, but now his tone suddenly goes up a little, he folds his fingers and lays his chin on his palms.
“Yeon Woo-yah, look at me.”
I was looking through my bag to take out the book for next class in advance, because his tone had made me anxious, and turn to look at Go Yoo Han when he calls me. Still, since he taught me the colors during lunch, I should show him my face when he asks, just like he said.
An ominous foreboding is never wrong. Go Yoo Han winks his right eye at me, and says something that would bulldoze the Mathematician’s Association.
“How about instead of independent and dependent subordination, we use the Choi Yeon Woo and Go Yoo Han variables? I change as Yeon Woo changes.”
“… No, that’s not it…”
I let out a small sigh without realizing. Jung Joo Haeng shakes his head and in the opposite of Go Yoo Han’s pose, puts his hands as if in prayer, with his thumb on his forehead.
“God, save Choi Yeon Woo.”
I already felt wronged yesterday, but I’m still grateful for Jung Joo Haeng’s prayer.
***
Go Yoo Han walks me to the front of the apartment complex and parts coolly saying he’ll see me tomorrow, while putting the color chart that I can’t even see in my hands.
No matter how much I look at it, I can’t see the basic colors, or the brown or pink, nor the vivid colors, the deep colors or the dark colors. No matter how much I look at it, it remains in gray scale.
The pink and brown Go Yoo Han showed me had a gray-toned background. After passing white, gray and black, there’s a difference of brightness and shade from white to black again.
White, Snow White, Light Gray, Silver Gray, Moon Gray, Cement Gray, Dolphin Gray, Shark Gray, Charcoal Gray, Black.
It’s the order of Gray Scale that I know. I know what Go Yoo Han means when he talks about categorizing the colors. I feel that the color I’m expressing is Snow White, there are probably several gray tone cards mixed and the colors may not match exactly when asking multiple people to point out Snow White. It’s not white, but the transparent color is white to me.
I tell myself to be less impatient, but I rummage through the color tags for no reason. Time goes by while I wish tomorrow would come sooner.
Ah. I haven’t checked the missing person’s probes yet…
***
My eyes open early in the morning. The alarm hasn’t gone off yet, but I wake up. I get up quickly to see if there’s any energy left in my body. Why am I not tired? Because of that question I realize I didn’t worry about mom last night. I looked through the color chart, and told myself not to look through it, by I was full of expectation about what colors I would see the next day.
It’s definitely a refreshing morning, but my heart aches as I feel guilty. I don’t know where my mom is, but, except from when I’m at school, I have to look for her when my aunt is away. I should be helping. But the reality is that I was lost in color and floundering about it, I didn’t think about mom at all. No, I did a little bit. However, I was soon distracted by the color chart, and waiting for today to arrive, going over the numerous color names Go Yoo Han had told me.
Ridiculous.
Today is not the day my mom comes back, but I woke up so early out of excitement. As expected, this is why I should have refused when Go Yoo Han said he would teach me the colors. Contrary to my thoughts, when he said he would not tell me the colors, I rushed to accept. So pathetic.
But, thinking about my aunt who sent me a picture of seafood hot pot last night, this is not a problem. My aunt told me what she wanted me to do during the last two weeks of vacation.
To turn my attention away from om’s disappearance. Even though I’m not getting distracted by games or wasteful SNS like kids my age.
No, I’m distracted by the colors, and my probe who is too close to me.
I stop myself several times while I’m preparing for school. It’s a self-imposed brake. The color chart.
I reach out my hand and grab it, then put it down again because I feel excited, then take it again. I repeat those actions endlessly. If aunt was home, she would’ve said I’ve gone insane.
Oh gosh.
I wonder if the prospect of learning colors usually makes monos excited, but I don’t know any monos personally. It’s not only that I don’t have any friends, but that I don’t know a lot of people.
I go to school too early. In the end, I brought the color chart with me. When I arrive at the classroom, there are only a few kids around. One of them is Kim Se Hyun. He opens his eyes wide and blinks at my early arrival.
“Are you going to join the Miracle Morning Club?”
“What?”
The combination of words out of Kim Se Hyun’s mouth is strange.
“It’s the meeting of diapers who get to school before 8 o’clock.”
He did say diaper. It sounds like it. Am I slightly deaf because I woke up too early? I don’t ask because I think I surely misheard something. I didn’t join any club because club activities are not compulsory, and teachers are busy giving content, so I didn’t join even during club activities.
“Is that an actual club?”
“No. I’m the president and only member.”
From the time he lied before, I felt he’s not on his right mind either. However, that’s the advantage of knowing people without being close to them.
“Why did you come so early? Is your house far?” *WHAT DO YOU CARE? In case anyone is wondering, yes, I still hate Kim Se Hyun.
“No, I live right next door.”
“Then why did you some so early?”
Kim Se Hyun says as if he doesn’t understand. No, on the one hand I may have come early because my house is nearby.
“If I were you, I would stay and lie in more.”
After saying that, he goes over to his seat and flops down. I don’t know why you would come early and sleep on your desk. I’m wriggling my fingers now, wondering why I came to school so early. I keep the color palette inside my bag in case anyone sees me fiddling with it.
“You’re early.”
Kang Min Jae says when he arrives.
“Oh, hi.”
“Don’t be so disappointed I’m not Go Yoo Han.”
Kang Min Jae says with a slight smile. Did I look like that?
I’m not particularly disappointed. I just wondered if it was Go Yoo Han when he arrived. I know Go Yoo Han’s voice in a general way, but I’m not entirely sure of it in such a short time.
He seems to recognize me as soon as I say hello.
“And don’t think so obviously about Go Yoo Han.”
“No, I wasn’t thinking about Go Yoo Han.”
I refute Kang Min Jae’s argument with a grain of salt. I cover my cheek with my right hand for no reason I don’t know what my expression is like right now. Is it that easy to read?
“Joo Haeng will worry a lot. Yeon Woo, you are thinking about Go Yoo Han.”
“No, I’m not.”
I disagree again, but Kang Min Jae doesn’t answer and fixes his eyes to the front of the class. His eyes are cold while looking at such a small place where the class motto is written.
Just a moment ago he was talking and smiling with his usual droopy eyes. Even I turn to look at where he’s looking. I don’t know when it was decided, but since the homeroom teacher’s subject is math, I can see the class motto is a forced formula.
「lim_{Effort→∞} University(Effort) = 1/Seoul」
We’re not even high school seniors, but even as juniors we are pressured about University. I look at my classmates pitifully too, the meaning is obvious. If you make infinite efforts, it means you can be in the number one University in Seoul.
“What’s over there?”
I look up at the sudden sound, and it’s Jung Joo Haeng. I think that since Kang Min Jae and I were both looking there, he’s just curious.
“It’s just that the class motto is weird.”
“Oh, that’s from last year, but I didn’t change it. What do you want? The homeroom teacher told me to make a new one.”
Jung Joo Haeng puts down his bag and tears at his hair, I really feel like the teacher is leaving all kinds of things for Jung Joo Haeng to do. *I’m class rep at Uni, I feel your pain, Joo Haeng.
Before it was the posters, being the temporary class rep, and even classmates. I think I’m the one who represents the biggest responsibility. I feel sorry for Jung Joo Haeng so I shake my head.
“Kim Se Hyun said it should be ‘Shooting ball is my friend’ and things like that.”
He says with a sigh. What kind of soccer saying is that? If you ask me to play soccer, I can join in, but I don’t want to be friends with the ball.
Jung Joo Haeng, Kang Min Jae and I stare at the class motto. Jung Joo Haeng repeatedly makes cliché suggestions such as ‘Conquest the Universe’, ‘In Seoul’, ‘The opponent’s bookshelf is falling over’, and ‘If you sleep now, you dream. But if you study, you achieve your dreams.”
Since Jung Joo Haeng came, Kang Min Jae’s expression relaxed, and we began to think about it together. Kang Min Jae doesn’t say anything, but considering the time he said “the best is tender beef”, it may be better if he doesn’t.
“What are you all looking at?”
It’s Go Yoo Han! *Oh, my God. My in-love baby.
That voice is definitely Go Yoo Han! It sounds a bit muffled because of the mask, but his pronunciation is clear, so it doesn’t sound strange like what Kim Se Hyun said earlier. When I turn my head, I see Go Yoo Han wearing a black mask, his hair slightly covering his forehead. The big eyes with no double eyelids are definitely Go Yoo Han’s.
“We’re thinking about the class motto.”
At my words, Go Yoo Han sits down and looks ahead too.
“Choi Yeon Woo, your expression.”
“I’m thinking about the class motto!”
Jung Joo Haeng mentions my expression somewhat absent-mindedly, so I immediately stop talking about the class motto. I don’t know what my face looks like now, but both Kang Min Jae and Jung Joo Haeng have mentioned it. I slap my cheeks lightly with both hands.
Whether the weather is getting warmer or the coolness of the early morning has eased, my face seems slightly feverish. *You are blushing and looking smitten, my boy.
“Crazy true math.” *he makes an acrostic pun with the teacher’s name. Original: 미친 진리 수학
Kang Min Jae opens his mouth. Although the rhyme of the acrostic poem using the teacher’s name is spot on, I wonder if it would be right to use something like that.
“Mi Jin Su’s power math.”
This was said bluntly, but the meaning is strange. How powerful does math have to be? But, surprisingly, I don’t like it because I think the homeroom teacher will like it. No one cares on the decided class motto anyways.
“I’ll have to note that too.”
Jung Joo Haeng writes down Kang Min Jae’s words. No matter how hard it is, I don’t think power math should be a class motto. Go Yoo Han suddenly lowers his head and then raises it with a smile and says slowly:
“One star, one college, one star, mother, mother.”
It’s from Yoon Dung Joo’s poem/ When I hear the words ‘one star, mother’, the heat of my face suddenly cools down. I’m sure Go Yoo Han is not saying this knowing my personal situation, but when the word ‘mother’ comes out, I regret last night when I didn’t look for mom.
Does Jung Joo Haeng notice the change in my facial expression? He says ‘Uh…’ hesitantly. I don’t think he should be aware of personal situations, but considering the homeroom teacher I have seen so far is indifferent, he might have told him about it. Jung Joo Haeng looks at Go Yoo Han in thought and then adds:
“Uh, it’s too emotional for a Science class.”
After ordinance is over, Jung Joo Haeng presents the options for the class motto. He comes over and looks at me for no reason.
“It became the poem by Yoon Dong Joo.”
I notice by looking at his face that he knows about my situation. He hesitates in apology, so I nod with a smile.
“That’s too bad. The other one looked better.”
Although I’m smiling, I demote Mi Jin Su from homeroom teacher to homeroom bastard.
I don’t take it to heart. Because if I’m not the only one in this class who doesn’t have a mother, I’m sure he didn’t choose it for me. Still, my face hardens in anger all the same.
One star, mother, mother…
*ow, babie...
-
“Yeon Woo, do you feel bad?”
“No.”
“Why aren’t you smiling?”
“I don’t have to smile all the time.”
“Look at me.”
I look at Go Yoo Han at those words. He doesn’t know what’s wrong, he didn’t do anything wrong. I know that. It’s the class motto that’s written on the blackboard frame.
Only Kim Se Hyun noticed the change.
“It was there for so long and now it got fired. I’d rather it say ‘Everyone has an egg in their heart.” *Dammit, I hate him, but he’s kinda funny. F*ck you, Kim Se Hyun.
I know now that shooting ball is my friend is not a soccer saying, but a song’s lyrics. Because Kim Se Hyun is humming a weird song. Does such a song even exist?
I think so, but I’m still bitter about the class motto.
“Are you going to play soccer today?”
I ask Kim Se Hyun who came over to talk to Jung Joo Haeng about the class motto. Kim Se Hyun’s eyes get round and he looks next to me at Go Yoo Han who’s shooting daggers at him for no reason.
“Go Yoo Han too?”
“If you can pass it to your opponent, sure.”
Go Yoo Han’s words and tone make it seem like he’s not interested. I wonder if the reason he doesn’t play soccer is because he can’t recognize his opponents. Kinds running around the schoolyard wearing the same school uniform.
“We’re playing an informal game against the kids from Art, Yeon Wo come in.”
“Yes.”
“Are you going to play soccer during lunch time?”
Go Yoo Han asks when I answer. I look at him. His eyes are pretty cold. I think of the color chart in my bag, but I’m not in the mood of being alone and close with Go Yoo Han today.
When I nod and answer “Yes”, Go Yoo Han fiddles with the edge of the mask and looks away. His eyes are still cold.
“Class pres?”
“I won’t.”
“Uh…”
Kim Se Hyun slowly looks at Kang Min Jae after asking Jung Joo Haeng. He should also offer it to him, but while hesitating, Kang Min Jae answers first.
“If Joo Haeng won’t, I won’t either.”
“Ah, that’s too bad. Your height is perfect for a goalkeeper!”
When Kim Se Hyun returns to his seat, Go Yoo Han turns his eyes back to me.
“Are you really going to play soccer during lunch?”
“Yes.”
“…Why are you upset, My Yeon Woo?”
He asks first in a cold way and then answers in a cute way to my response. Then he pokes my cheek with his index finger.
“Sulky Yeon Woo is cute, but the smiling Yeon Woo is better.”
“Don’t touch me.”
When I grab his finger with my hand, his eyes widen then crinkle while looking at his caught finger. I let go as soon as I hear his words.
“My Yeon Woo, are we practicing your catch reflex? It’s only been two weeks since I first saw you, so you’re like a baby, but how can you be this cute?”
I’m so pissed off by myself, so I can only get more tired.
*5.2 coming soon! ~Caramel
