Chapter 3

I’m taken to the teacher’s office. And I’m alone.

When I came back to my senses, I didn’t see Go Yoo Han. It was the first time I woke up and Go Yoo Han wasn’t next to me. Unlike to when Go Yoo Han is there when I wake up, this time decoloring came really fast. I fiddled with the carnation pink pillow, and could only squeeze it three times, every time I did, its energy disappeared a bit more. The curtain was opened and a man in a white gown looked down at me.

I think he’s the school nurse, although I had only heard his voice before. He had silver hair mixed with black hair. The school nurse said:

“Jin Su said to go by his office when you woke up.”

He comfortably called the homeroom teacher’s name, Mi Jin Su, ‘Jin Su’ while he delivered the message.

By the time I woke up, third period was finishing. Luckily, I woke up before lunch hour. Today’s menu is flying fish roe bibimbap. Basically, it’s the best with flying fish roe.

Anyways, when I get to the teacher’s office with a tired head, Go Yoo Han is not there. The homeroom teacher looks at me and makes a ‘Tch’ sound. Then he sits down and sighs, I sit in a stool without a backrest and hope he starts speaking soon.

“Do you also see your grandpa?”

The question is different from what I was expecting, I thought he’d at least come up with a solution about Go Yoo Han being my probe, or ask me why I faint so often.

“I don’t.”

“I’m glad to hear that. Eat well, take good care of your body.” *he deadass thinks Yeon Woo has an eating disorder…

“Yes.”

“Just in case, I want to ask…”

I get nervous because I think he finally got it. I’ll try to have them move me to another class. Continuing to learn colors with Go Yoo Han can lead to the worse. He’s pretending to be very close to me now but… basically, in the relationship between mono and probe, the one who is constantly emotionally and mentally challenged is the mono.

“Are you also a trainee?”

“Sorry?”

It’s such a random question. Such a ridiculous question.

“I’m not.”

“I heard it from the class rep. That you’re actually a non-public trainee and you faint too much because you’re always on a diet.” *I told you

Ah, this is Jung Joo Haeng’s doing. No matter how hard we try to hide that I’m a mono, the homeroom teacher already knows it. Jung Joo Haeng must have heard I fainted after seeing Go Yoo Han and tried to make some reparations. However, Jung Joo Haeng doesn’t know the teacher already knows I’m a mono. The extreme kindness and protection of Jung Joo Haeng has caused a wild confusion.

“Teacher, I fainted because of Go Yoo Han.”

I try to say ‘because he is my probe’, but I stop.

How will the homeroom teacher react? He may take me away from Go Yoo Han and even transfer me to another school. From his point of view, having a mono and a probe in the same class is a difficult situation. Monos get obsessed with probes, lock them up and try to keep them to themselves.

My lips don’t open again. That’s what I wanted. To be away from Go Yoo Han. But the two things Go Yoo Han taught me today make me shut up.

Carnation pink.

Caramel.

Carnation pink is not disappointing at all, but I want to see that caramel color again. And just as watermelon color and evergreen are different, I want to know how the color of the classroom’s desks is different to caramel. I feel as if my lips are sticking together.

“Yeah, Joo Haeng said you and Go Yoo Han are from the same company… or agency, is it?”

“Teacher.”

That’s a lie. Go Yoo Han is my probe and that’s the reason I fainted. My lips won’t open. Again.

Reason is shouting at me to seize the opportunity now. No matter how angry my aunt was at me yesterday, she won’t ignore a call from the homeroom teacher. Even if she’s in the island covering a story, if she hears my probe appeared, she will come running back.

The excuses keep popping up.

4th period starts soon, I shouldn’t interrupt the homeroom teacher’s class.

If it gets known Go Yoo Han is my probe, he may get strange looks.

I’ve already made things so hard for aunt, why make them harder?

But there’s only one real reason.

I want to see that caramel color again. I keep craving it as if I’m a child who has tried it for the first time.

“Yoo Han won’t do anything like that since he had his debut last year. Still, make sure that guy eats well. Go back to class.”

In the end, I can’t talk to the homeroom teacher, so I leave the office with my head down. It was pathetic, and selfish. Before I fainted, my mouth seemed to be full of sweetness*, but now it feels as if its full of sticky dryness. *Reminder. When he saw Yoo Han’s eyes and thought of caramel, he got relaxed, comfy and could even taste the flavor of caramel before fainting again.

When I get into the classroom, the 4th period English teacher looks at me and quickly looks away. While I sit down quietly, Go Yoo Han looks at me with worried eyes and then taps my back. I can’t turn my body around completely, so I just turn my head slightly and he starts murmuring quietly, but Jung Joo Haeng taps Go Yoo Han’s desk with the tip of his pen.

When Go Yoo Han turns his eyes from me to the front, and I do the same, I can see the English teacher is silently staring at the two of us while reading a book. And then he turns his eyes back to the front.

I intentionally ignore it when I feel a tap on my back again, and this time, Jung Joo Haeng passes me a note from the side. The roughly torn paper has an excuse written in unexpectedly neat handwriting.

The nurse kicked me out ㅠ△ㅠ

It’s from Go Yoo Han. I deliberately crumple the paper. I was just curious about the color of his eyes, but I don’t know why he took off his mask again. Moreover, when I woke up from fainting because of the color rush, I was very annoyed because Go Yoo Han was not there. He sticks around when he wants to, but he has no time when someone is having a hard time, is that it?

When class is over, I head towards the restaurant and Go Yoo Han tries to get my attention from behind my back.

“Yeon Woo-yah.”

He calls me like this all the time.

“My Yeon Woo.”

He also calls me like this.

“Mr. Yeon Woo.”

He even calls me like that.

“Choi Yeon Woo, you’re also pretty when you’re angry.”

“I’m not pretty.”

I eventually answer and move on. Everyone, no matter who they are, have two eyes, one nose and one mouth. The adults call me ‘pretty’ because they have nothing else to say, others try to pick fights calling names like ‘parasite boy, oh so pretty’.

But Go Yoo Han says it as if I’m so pretty he doesn’t know what to do. It’s annoying.

“My Yeon Woo, I was looking at your pretty sleeping face and counting your eyelashes one by one, but the nurse kicked me out.”

“Don’t just look at other people’s sleeping faces!”

“Why?”

“Because it’s someone else’s face.”

“Sparkly, sparkly.”

I get nervous because Go Yoo Hand puts his face closer to mine as he says this.

“Oh huh.”

Jung Joo Haeng, who is waiting in line, sighs as if he sees nothing. Kang Min Jae is looking at Jung Joo Haeng, but he doesn’t turn to look towards me or Go Yoo Han even once.

“I don’t mind if you keep looking at my face.”

“I said I don’t need it!”

“My offer still stands.”

As he says this, his eyes crinkle and I can’t see them well. I know what his offer is. Go Yoo Han shows me the colors, I show him my face. That’s his suggestion.

I turn my head resolutely back to the front and then I feel him tapping my back again.

“I won’t leave again after you faint.”

“I don’t…”

I’m about to say ‘I don’t need it’, but I stop.

It’s annoying to see him right after I wake up from fainting, but it’s even worse without him. I think it’s better to choose the least bad option.

“The nurse will tell you to leave.”

“Mm. Then I’ll bite my tongue right there. Or break my ankle.”

“Don’t overdo it.”

Go Yoo Han grins at this. It’s under the mask but it’s clearly visible. Today the lunch menu is flying fish roe bibimbap and cold cucumber soup. Go Yoo Han doesn’t get any soup, his eyebrows are down and he looks sullen. *POUT ALERT.

“I hate cucumbers.”

I turn my head away because Go Yoo Han slowly tries to lower the mask.

Jung Joo Haeng, who’s sitting across from us, breathes in the soup and looks mischievously at me and Kang Min Jae, before turning towards Go Yoo Han.

“Hoooo!”

He blows towards Go Yoo Han.

“Blegh!”

Go Yoo Han shakes his arms wide around. This makes me look at him, but fortunately he has his mask on.

“Jung Joo Haeng, you…”

“It doesn’t even smell that much like cucumber.”

“Still, you are going to eat it right away.”

“Yeah, picky asshole.”

Then Jung Joo Haeng laughs and eats a bit of soup in a fun way. Go Yoo Han frowns harder, and tells Jung Joo Haeng:

“Rude bastard.”

I can agree a little bit with that comment. But the soup is cool and I like eating it. Go Yoo Han finishes his food and says pointing to the soup:

“Cucumbers are green.”

I lose my appetite right away. If it’s the same green Go Yoo Han showed me, the feeling of poison is strong. It’s the same with the soju aunt drinks. Suddenly the cold cucumber soup tastes different.

“Cucumbers are not the only green ones, Go Yoo Han. Stop bothering Choi Yeon Woo while he eats.”

Jung Joo Haeng scolds Go Yoo Han while stirring his rice with force. I try to focus on the sound of the flying fish roe in my mouth and ignore everything else.

As if he wants to actually distract me while eating, Go Yoo Han leans his chin on my shoulder. And then blinks slowly. Is he trying to show off his eyes on purpose?

“Yeon Woo-yah, for real. I’ll be by your side the next time you faint.”

“I… am trying to eat.”

“I don’t really want much, I just want to see my Yeon Woo’s pretty face.”

“… I’m not pretty.”

Of all things, I have to have rice in my mouth just as we start to argue. I thought it was best to be awake, but now I just want to faint and not see anything.

“If you faint three times in a day it’ll be bad for you, right?”

He says this regretfully as he grabs the tip of my shirt. Does this mean he wants to knock me out one more time? He looks at me with his eyebrows in a frown, it somehow gives off the feeling of being disheartened after getting a scolding.

“But I wanted to show Yeon Woo something today.”

“What is it?”

I was going to say ‘I don’t need it’, but I ask just in case.

“I got hair.”

I look at Go Yoo Han’s intact hair. Anyone who hears those words would think he’s talking about hair loss. I’m wondering what he’s talking about as I look at the gently curled hair above his eyebrows.

“Yes, you have hair.”

“No, I mean my real hair.”

“Is this a wig?”

I get flustered for a moment. His hair seems fine, he also has it at the top of his head. Did he suffer a bad accident at this young age?

He smiles and bows his head.

“No. I dyed my hair so this is not my real hair color.”

Looking at the top of his head, I can see the color is a bit lighter. At the moment, it didn’t feel strange to see the caramel eyes through such dark black hair.

Go Yoo Han looks up and laughs as he walks behind me, taking a slow walk through the schoolyard.

“It’s actually brown.”

“Brown?”

“Exactly speaking… chestnut color?”

“Night?” *both words, night and chestnut, are 밤 (bam) in Korean. That’s why Yeon Woo gets confused.

I have never heard of day color, but there’s night color, apparently. When I only blink my eyes, Go Yoo Han says smiling:

“The one you eat.” *literally he says ‘the bam you eat’, so, chestnut.

My stomach is so full, my brain is not working. There’s no way on earth people don’t know about the chestnuts you eat. But I shot myself in the foot because I was thinking of the dark night, when the sun goes down.

“So, I wanted to show Yeon Woo, but I caan’t. Hiing.” *he’s doing aegyo.

It’s a shame the homeroom teacher called Jung Joo Haeng, because if he was here, he would definitely curse at this. Kang Min Jae went back to the classroom to find something to do without Jung Joo Haeng.

Just as I was regretting the absence of those two, Go Yoo Han coolly interrupts my walk. He opens his legs wide as if to show off his tall height and stands facing me. The yard is full of noise of kids playing soccer and basketball, and Go Yoo Han, who had been speaking non-stop until just now, quietly looks down at me. I really curse this time. It’s the perfect way of expressing the dirty and angry feeling you get when someone looks down at you.

“Why are you standing still?”

“The quiet Yeon Woo is pretty too.”

“I’m not pretty.”

“Are you sure you’re not interested in my proposal?”

As he says this, he reaches out and softly pushes my bangs up to look at my forehead. I get annoyed, so I knock his hand away. The hair makes a gentle rustling sound through his fingers and goes back into place. I look towards the schoolyard as I grab my hair between my thumb and index finger. I should cut my hair. I will also poke his eyes out.

“I will show my Yeon Woo the colors. All my Yeon Woo has to do is show me that pretty face.”

“You’re looking at it enough now.”

“No. You have to look at me.”

I let go of my hair and look at Go Yoo Han.

… As expected, I don’t like looking up at him. The bibimbap I ate earlier seems to be rebelling inside my stomach.

“Colore moving. You have to show me that. Will you?”

“I don’t want to.”

“Why?”

“I’m also curious, why do you keep showing me the colors even if I say I don’t want to?”

“The Yeon Woo who sees colors is pretty.”

“I’m not pretty.”

“Yeon Woo, you’ve never seen yourself while you can see the colors, have you?”

Then Go Yoo Han immediately turns his face, so I look away. I’m nervous because his eyes are not smiling.

“It’s something really precious and amazing. I can’t believe I can see such a face.”

Then he stops talking and stays still. Curiosity is a disease. Let’s not do something rash*. *telling that to himself.

But as I raise my head, I hear a “PANG!” sound right next to my ear. I turn my head and see Go Yoo Han’s arm. And a soccer ball rolling away. I can also see some kids approaching hesitantly, first years, probably.

“Oh, sunbaenim*, are you all right?” *what you call someone with a higher rank/ higher level in the same school, university or workplace.

Go Yoo Han looks at the kid from head to toes with unexpectedly cold eyes.

“Mm. It’s okay, go. Be careful.”

“Ah, yes.”

I guess I’m not the only one who guessed the grade. To be exact, that reaction is probably because Kang Min Jae is a celebrity here. Of course, even Go Yoo Han is famous. When I look at Go Yoo Han, I think it might be unusual.

The face under that mask.

If I were a trainee, there would be times I’d look at kids these days and also think they are uglier than me*. *says the ‘I’m not pretty’ guy.

Moreover, what does my colore moving look like? *I tell you; his train of thought is like a bullet train.

“Yeon Woo-ah, I hurt my arm. Do ho~ for me.”

Ah, but since you’re talking with your tongue down on purpose, I guess not anyone can be an idol. Just a moment ago he was spewing cold air, now when he asks for a ho~ he closes his eyes and I can even see his mouth sticking out from under the mask.

When I ignore him and keep walking, he follows behind me. He grumbles “I’m reaaally hurt-uh~”, I ignore it. Then he starts murmuring behind my back, “It hurts~”, “My arm seems to be brokeng~”, “Hiing”, “Yeon Woo is so cold”, “I got hurt while protecting my Yeon Woo~”.

By the time we reach the end of the schoolyard, I turn around because I’m out of patience.

But there’s really a dark gray bruise where the soccer ball hit his arm.

“Yah, don’t stay like this, you have to go to the nurse’s office.”

“My Yeon Woo finally looked back at me.”

“Is this a joke to you?”

“Do ho~ for me.”

I don’t get him. I grab the arm that has no bruises and quickly walk towards the nurse’s office. When I open the door of the office, the nurse is not in. Still, I take out the first-aid kit I got used to seeing after being here so many times. I look around in it and find a pain-relief spray.

I sit Go Yoo Han down on the bed and stretch his left arm. I cover my nose and spray the medicine.

“Ah, that’s very strong.”

When I’m putting the spray back in its place, Go Yoo Han looks at me with twinkling eyes.

“What are you looking at?”

“My Yeon Woo is still in a bad mood?”

“Mm.”

“Because of what?”

Oh, what could be the cause. Of course, it’s the person in front of me. I’m annoyed because Go Yoo Han is so unsettling. He wasn’t here when I woke up, but he still wanted to make a deal… In the morning, I grasped him because I wanted to know the color of his eyes. I’m still nervous about that.

“Yeon Woo-yah.”

Go Yoo Han calls me. After putting the spray back in the box, I fiddle with the first aid kit for no reason. Every time I fainted because of color rush, I woke up in this nurse’s office, today is the opposite. Go Yoo Han is the one on the bed, and I’m the one standing up.

I can feel the anxiety deep in my heart. I want to know the colors. I want to see the intense light Go Yoo Han shows. I’m curious about what kind of chestnut hair is hidden underneath the black dye. I know it will be hard to refuse if he makes the offer again. That is, until he talks in a cutesy way again.

“Do ho~ for me.”

“I’m going to class. Rest.”

***

“Yeon Woo, just in case, don’t recommend me.”

Jung Joo Haeng says while passing a hand over his face, his thick glasses hanging from his fingers.

“For class president?”

When Kang Min Jae asks in his usual gentle voice, Jung Joo Haeng nods. I nod too. It’s just before the final ordinance on Friday. Go Yoo Han is asleep, without even knowing class is over. Even though he was also wearing a mask on the day we first met, I feel a little guilty because he’s wearing a mask even in his sleep because of me.

When the homeroom teacher slams the attendance book on the class table, I hear an “uuhh” sound from behind me. It’s Go Yoo Han.

“My Yeon Woo, why didn’t you wake me up?”

Go Yoo Hand rumbles behind my back in his ringing voice.

That’s because, during break you rolled up your left sleeve in front of Kang Min Jae and Jung Joo Haeng and said:

“Injury of honor from protecting Yeon Woo! Ba-bam.”

You even made that sound! And even though your eyes were sparkling as you showed your wounds, you frowned your eyebrows and complained.

“But Yeon Woo didn’t do ho~ for me.”

You did that during break! So, in my opinion it’s better for you to stay asleep!

But at the moment I also felt a little relieved because Jung Joo Haeng gave Go Yoo Han the stink eye when he said that. That’s a relief. There’s only one strange person. Or so I thought until Kang Min Jae added:

“In our house we say ssi ssi~”

“Ssi ssi?”

“Mm. In order to get well soon if you get hurt, we pretend to rub the hands over the wound and say ssi ssi~”

“Yeon Woo-yah. Do ssi ssi~ for me.”

And his teasing expression was noticeable way above the mask. So, there were two weirdos. One of them was sleeping, but he woke up.

The homeroom teacher starts the class president election as announced. The kids who want to take leadership go crazy, but Jung Joo Haeng doesn’t seem interested at all.

Usually, the temporary class rep for the first semester becomes class president.

And then, Go Yoo Han who didn’t listen to Jung Joo Haeng’s words earlier because he was sleeping, raises his hand.

“I recommend Jung Joo Haeng!”

“Oush, that moron.”

I’m surprised that Jung Joo Haeng finally uses a new curse word, and also, I’m actually surprised he’s been friends with Go Yoo Han for so long.

“Since this guy doesn’t have friends, he does nothing but work, he also doesn’t ask for favors. He’s perfect for the role.”

“Thank you sooo much.”

Jung Joo Haeng looks at Go Yoo Han while grinding his teeth. Go Yoo Han shrugs his shoulders and when our eyes meet, he winks his right eye at me. I shouldn’t have looked at him, I don’t get color rush, but I feel like I may get a headache.

There’s one person who volunteers. His eyes are rough, but his snaggletooth is visible as he smiles, and it gives his expression a playful look. The homeroom teacher gives them both a chance for an election speech. The kid who volunteered steps up:

“I will buy pizza!”

“Ooohhh.”

The kids react simply to those words. Unexpectedly, Go Yoo Han doesn’t react much. Maybe because he nominated Jung Joo Haeng.

“And I’ll make of class 5 the best science class!”

It’s not a bad speech. He coaxed the kids with pizza, didn’t promise anything impossible and used vague but pleasant words. Next, it’s Jung Joo Haeng’s turn. He steps up, looks directly at Go Yoo Han and says:

“I’m satisfied with being the vice-president, so please give all the votes to Kim Se Hyun.”

Then he comes down. His goal clear and simple. The problem is, kids actually like that more. *see the guide for a perfect example of this!!!!

There are only two people to vote for, for class president and vice-president. When the ballots are turned in, class rep Jung Joo Haeng and the other candidate are the ones to count the votes, this is ordered by the teacher whose troublesome attitude is showing once again. Before Jung Joo Haeng goes to count the votes, he has a quarrel with Go Yoo Han.

No matter how you look at it, it’s a quarrel.

“I didn’t vote for you.”

“Shut it if you don’t want your front teeth folded in.”

Jung Joo Haeng curses at Go Yoo Han and goes up. The results are close, but Jung Joo Haeng gets two more votes. As a result, Jung Joo Haeng becomes class president and Kim Se Hyun vice-president. When Kim Se Hyun voluntarily stepped up, I thought he had a bright personality, but as soon as he picks up the last ballot with Jung Joo Haeng’s name on it, he claps, and then clasps his fists and starts chanting:

“Pizza, pizza, pizza!”

Soon, all the class is in on it, even Goo Yoo Han who didn’t react earlier, joins in. Jung Joo Haeng expresses his true feelings even in front of the homeroom teacher.

“Ah, shit.”

The homeroom teacher only says:

“This class president bastard broke down.”

While pointing at Jung Joo Haeng. I expected Jung Joo Haeng to say something like that, only, I didn’t think he’d do it at the class table.

-

When I leave school, Go Yoo Han sticks to me, and suddenly he thrusts his phone out. I know what that gesture means, but I determinedly ignore it. Then Go Yoo Han blocks my way. It’s the short road to the apartment next door and my path is blocked, so firstly I am annoyed because he makes me pause, secondly, I am annoyed by his shadow, which is a head taller than mine and lastly, I am annoyed because when Goo Yoo Han smiles over his mask and talks, I feel feverish. * BLUSHING. YOU’RE BLUSHING. IT’S CALLED BLUSHING, YEON WOO.

“Give me a phone number for medical expenses.”

“Did I hurt you?”

“But. I got hurt protecting you.”

“It doesn’t even hurt that much.”

“It hurts. It hurts.”

I try to push him away, but I accidentally press his left arm. Since he said it hurts, I quickly pull my hand back. He frowns, blinks deliberately and says:

“My heart hurts.”

“Don’t joke around, you scared me.”

“It breaks my heart that I’ll have to spend the weekend without my Yeon Woo. Are you really not going to give me your number?”

Go Yoo Han left his phone in the contact saving screen. I still have to go to school for at least a month. And I don’t have neither Jung Joo Haeng’s nor Kang Min Jae’s numbers to contact in case of emergency.

I take the phone, quickly enter my number and return it. Go Yoo Han immediately presses the call button. He grins when my phone starts ringing in my pocket.

“I’ll be in touch.”

And then he goes his way.

***

When I get home, I send aunt a message. Not long after I get a call from her.

“Mm.”

I answer my aunt’s call, but she’s not saying anything.

“Aunt?”

I get no answer, so I get worried. I thought it was my aunt who called me.

“This is the phone of Yoo Yi Rang PD, right? I’m Choi Yeon Woo, Yoo Yi Rang PD’s nephew.”

[“It’s me.”]

I was getting worried about the possibilities, then I hear my aunt’s voice. It’s awkward to talk for a bit.

“… what is it?”

[“Choi Yeon Woo.”]

“Why are you calling?”

I shouldn’t speak so bluntly. I did something wrong, but I’m disappointed. Aunt didn’t say anything, and since last year she’s been excluding me from mom’s search.

[“It’s about my sister.”]

Aunt mentions mom first. I get so upset; my whole body goes cold. My heart starts pounding and I can feel the tension heating up the back of my neck.

[“I found a lead on her whereabouts.”]

I stay quiet to listen to what she has to say. She answers with silence. The gap left by the past four years is too big to rush it. Mom, who could not be found for four years no matter what we did. There was no trace, or even false information. I don’t rush her. No, I can’t rush her. I’m not confident I can endure what she has to say. The longer her silence, the surer I am the answer will be negative.

[“But I didn’t have the courage to put it together and talk to you.”]

“Aunt.”

“The person you contacted yesterday, Kim Hyeon Joo, she’s related to my sister. That’s why… ah…”

Aunt’s sigh is unusually long. I can’t let go of my phone, but at the same time I want to press the end button. I can’t see my aunt’s face, but I feel as if I can. She won’t cry, I’m sure of it. On the other hand, tears start to fall down my cheeks. I keep my mouth shut because if a sound comes out of my mouth, she will know I’m crying. I press my lips hard even though it hurts.

[“How far do you know?”]

“Where mom used to be, the mono café.”

[“Choi Yeon Woo, are you crying?”]

Eventually, the sound of my nose is caught. The sounds of my nose and my broken voice go over the phone. I try to keep my lips sealed again, but eventually the crying comes out. All I can see is the empty living room, and all I can hear is myself sniffling alone in the living room.

“Aunt, the participants of the get-together… you left the list at home.”

[“That was at home? I was wondering where it was… Don’t cry.”]

People want to cry even more when you tell them not to. With a whimper, I finally find a tissue. It seems that crying is faster than blowing your nose and wiping your tears. I pull out a handful of tissues and press them to my eyes.

“I also want to know. I want to know… that’s why.”

[“I’m sorry.”]

“Then tell me things.”

[“Choi Yeon Woo.”]

“Mm.”

In the end, the tissue gets all wet, so I take a towel and press it to my eyes. I wait a long time for my aunt’s words, I hear a loud sound over the phone while I’m walking with my phone in my hands.

[“I’m not organizing it either. I think it will be done by the time I go back. That’s why… I’m sorry but wait a bit.”]

“Mm.”

[“In the meantime, stop poking around. Kim Hyun Joo seemed very surprised. Ahh.”]

“Mm.”

[“You just have to be a kid. That’s right.”]

Then she can’t keep talking, the whimpering that goes over the phone seems to be reflected, it’s not mine. My aunt is sniffling too. The day is not over yet, but it’s no season to sniffle.

[“I’m sorry”]

“Auntie, why are you sorry?”

[“Because I don’t have the courage to tell you yet… and because I can’t find your mom.”]

I remain quiet. We just sniffle at each other for a while. Then she says first:

[“I have to go, make sure to eat well.”]

“Mm.”

[“Don’t follow if a stranger gives you candy.”]

“Mm.”

[“And… Yeon Woo-yah, you have to know…”]

“Mm.”

[“Adults don’t ask children for help”]

I can’t answer to those words. She’s ruling me out again. It’s not like I don’t understand her feelings. She has seen me since the moment I was born until now, so no matter how big I am, she still thinks of me as small. But I am different from then. I want to know. I want to help. In every way I can.

[“I’m off.”]

Then she ends the call.

During the call, I felt dizzy because of the news about the clues on mom, but after the call, my aunt’s message is clear.

Aunt found a clue about mom. It has something to do with the list of participants for the meeting from the Grey Scale café she left behind.

The person who goes by the nickname monowife I contacted yesterday, Kim Hyun Joo, is related to mom. Just by her calling her ‘Yoo Yi Ri Unnie’, it’s clear she knew her.

Aunt wants me to wait without getting further involved. As she said, ‘poking around for no reason’ will interfere with her investigation. ‘Kim Hyun Joo was really surprised’.

And, in addition, she has no intention of talking about mom’s evidence or research. Saying that ‘adults don’t ask children for help’ is building another kind of wall. She’s afraid I’ll try to help.

I reach a conclusion.

I should investigate as much as I can without aunt knowing.

***

Messenger starts ringing.

(Go Yoo Han) > Yeon Woo]

(Go Yoo Han) > facebook, insta]

(Go Yoo Han) > You didn’t sync? ㅜㅜㅜ]

(Go Yoo Han) > Only kakao talk]

(Go Yoo Han) > Tell me your ID]

(Go Yoo Han) > Yeon Woo]

(Go Yoo Han) > Choi Yeon Woo]

(Go Yoo Han) > Yeon Woo-yah]

(Go Yoo Han) > Yeon Woo Yeon Woo]

(Go Yoo Han) > Yeon Woo who fills my heart*] *Yeon Woo is the rain, and my heart is a lake. Ch. 2 poem.

(Go Yoo Han) > Yeon WoooOOOooooOOOO]

It’s Go Yoo Han. I didn’t save his number so a message pops out on the screen to be careful of an unregistered friend. I don’t want to answer, but I reply because the next message annoys me.

(Go Yoo Han) > The tenderest beef ever]

(Choi Yeon Woo) > Stop it]

(Go Yoo Han) > Uwaaahhng]

(Go Yoo Han) > It’s Yeon Woo it’s Yeon Woo Yeon Woooong]

(Go Yoo Han) > facebook, insta]

(Go Yoo Han) > ID]

(Go Yoo Han) > You’ll let me know, right?]

(Choi Yeon Woo) > No]

I don’t have the hobby of using SNS which reveals my personal information to people. There was a facebook I had to make once but I don’t know the info because I left it behind. I don’t use insta either.

(Go Yoo Han) > Hiing]

(Go Yoo Han) > Mine’s private]

(Go Yoo Han) > I’ll let you know if you’re curious!]

(Go Yoo Han) > Unrevealed selca compilation]

(Go Yoo Han) > You’re not curious?]

(Choi Yeon Woo) > Mm.]

(Go Yoo Han) > Yeon Woo, so cold]

(Go Yoo Han) > Hiing]

(Go Yoo Han) > But since I’m warm]

(Go Yoo Han) > We balance each other]

(Go Yoo Han) > Yeon Woo-yah]

(Go Yoo Han) > What are you doing this weekend?]

(Go Yoo Han) > What will you do?]

(Go Yoo Han) > You don’t want to see me?]

(Go Yoo Han) > Don’t ignore me again]

(Go Yoo Han) > Hiing]

(Go Yoo Han) > My arm hurts]

I try to ignore it. I even almost block him, but my heart is a little weak since his arm hurts.

(Choi Yeon Woo) > Does it hurt a lot?]

(Go Yoo Han) > uuuuunnnngg]

(Go Yoo Han) > Yeon Woo-yaaaahng]

(Go Yoo Han) > Do ho~ for me]

(Go Yoo Han) > Or do ssi ssi~ for me]

(Choi Yeon Woo) > You’re fine]

(Go Yoo Han) > No, it really, truly hurts ㅜㅜㅜ]

(Go Yoo Han) > My heart hurts ㅜㅜㅜㅜㅜ]

(Go Yoo Han) > Please Worry about me ㅜㅜㅜㅜㅜ I’m a former attention seeker. I like to get attention]

(Go Yoo Han) > ㅜㅜㅜㅜㅜ]

(Go Yoo Han) > Are you there?]

(Go Yoo Han) > I’m not blocked, am I?]

I left it because I thought it was too noisy.

(Choi Yeon Woo) > Just get to the point]

(Go Yoo Han) > What are you doing on the weekend?]

(Go Yoo Han) > Also, you’ve never seen my face before, right?]

(Go Yoo Han) > Watch it a lot ㅋㅋㅋ]

(Go Yoo Han) > Mm you’ll see it a lot ㅋㅋㅋ]

I don’t want to press the profile. It’s a profile picture with a face, but I don’t press on it on purpose. Actually, I wonder what Go Yoo Han looks like. Because of me, he’s always wearing a mask at school and if he takes off his mask, I don’t have time to see him because of color rush. All I know is caramel eyes and black hair that is supposed to be chestnut.

(Go Yoo Han) > 5]

(Go Yoo Han) > 4]

(Go Yoo Han) > 3]

(Go Yoo Han) > 2]

(Go Yoo Han) > 1]

(Go Yoo Han) > That’s too bad!]

(Go Yoo Han) > You have missed the chance to see Go Yoo Han’s handsome face!]

(Go Yoo Han) > The bus has left but it will come back when my Yeon Woo calls! ㅋㅋㅋㅋ]

He has a great time playing alone. After counting five seconds on his own, he changes his profile picture to a default one.

(Go Yoo Han) > I’m an easy guy for my Yeon Woo ㅋㅋㅋㅋ] * PFFFT. LMAO

(Go Yoo Han) > Pre-experience is also available]

(Go Yoo Han) > But, Yeon Woo, why don’t you have a profile picture?]

(Go Yoo Han) > why?]

(Go Yoo Han) > I want to see Yeon Woo]

(Go Yoo Han) > Let me see you, Yeon Woo ㅜㅜㅜㅜㅜ]

(Go Yoo Han) > Why can’t I see you? ㅜㅜㅜㅜㅜ]

(Go Yoo Han) > Or else, just send a picture to me]

(Go Yoo Han) > I won’t give it to anyone]

(Go Yoo Han) > I’ll be the only one to see it]

(Go Yoo Han) > Mm? I’ll be the only one to see it]

(Go Yoo Han) > Only I will see it!]

(Choi Yeon Woo) > Go Yoo Han]

(Go Yoo Han) > You were looking for meee?]

(Go Yoo Han) > You’re here]

(Go Yoo Han) > everything is possible from A to Z]

(Go Yoo Han) > Ah]

(Go Yoo Han) > No way... from the beginning]

(Go Yoo Han) > No! Whatever you choose, I’m ready]

(Go Yoo Han) > are you going to choose S?]

(Go Yoo Han) > such a man]

He chooses S and sends it to me as he pleases it, so I send it in capital letters.

(Choi Yeon Woo) > SHUTUP]

(Go Yoo Han) > ㅜㅜㅜㅜㅜㅜㅜㅜㅜㅜㅜㅜㅜㅜㅜ]

(Go Yoo Han) > So mean]

(Go Yoo Han) > Do you hate me?]

I answer right away in case I miss the timing; I can’t see his face so I have no qualms about being harsh.

(Choi Yeon Woo) > ㅇㅇ] *this means eung, eung (affirmative sound), and also, sort of like ‘right answer’.

Then the kakaotalk suddenly stops. I get a little worried that he’s actually hurt because he doesn’t talk while reading. No, there was that time too when I was worried and he was fine. That’s probably the case now. I think so, but when there’s no answer for five minutes I start to wonder if maybe I should have answered in a lighter way like ‘Mm.’ or ‘Yeah ㅋㅋㅋ’, if you think about it ‘ㅇㅇ’ is light too. Just when I’m worrying about it, I get stunned by Go Yoo Han again.

(Go Yoo Han) > You don’t like a lot of short messages many times, right? Ok. I’ll send a long sentence. I’m only open for Yeon Woo on weekends. Call me anytime. Call me whatever you do. I’ll go anywhere. Really. Do you have a passport, Yeon Woo? It’ll be nice if you have one. Let’s go play. Ah, it’s true, we’re going abroad so we’re staying up all night.]

Go Yoo Han seems to be a more serious person than I thought.

(Choi Yeon Woo) > Since you’re busy don’t text me unless it’s urgent]

(Go Yoo Han) > ㅜㅜㅜㅜㅜㅜㅜㅜㅜㅜㅜㅜㅜㅜㅜㅜㅜㅜㅜ my heart is always urgently rushing towards my Yeon Woo ㅜㅜㅜㅜㅜㅜㅜㅜㅜㅜㅜ. Then, let me do an acrostic poem with Choi Yeon Woo. Give me a chance. If you don’t listen to the acrostic poem, then we’ll talk all day. I’m serious. I’m always serious. No one is as serious as I am.]

I’m seriously annoyed but just let it go. At least he can’t lie here.

(Choi Yeon Woo) > Choi]

(Go Yoo Han) > Choi Yeon Woo is so pretty.

(Choi Yeon Woo) > I’m not pretty.

I didn’t expect him to say this even through kakaotalk. But rather than being surprised, I’m getting used to it. I sigh. I have a lot of things to do, but here I am, taking my time after school.

(Choi Yeon Woo) > Yeon]

(Go Yoo Han) > I hope you’ll listen to my calls.]

Ah. I want to finish this nonsense.

(Choi Yeon Woo) > Woo]

(Go Yoo Han) > To lift Yoo Hanie up]

(Choi Yeon Woo) > Woo]

(Go Yoo Han) > To lift Yoo Hanie up]

(Choi Yeon Woo) > Woo]

(Go Yoo Han) > To lift Yoo Hanie up]

No, if it’s an acrostic poem you have to start with Woo! but what does it mean you keep starting with Yoo?

(Choi Yeon Woo) > You have to start with Woo]

(Choi Yeon Woo) > No with Yoo]

Then Go Yoo Han makes a screen capture of the two lines I wrote and sends me the image.

(Go Yoo Han) > Yeon Woo finally wrote two lines ㅜㅜㅜㅜㅜ Impressed ㅜㅜㅜㅜㅜ I'm totally impressed ㅜㅜㅜㅜㅜ]

(Choi Yeon Woo) > We made an acrostic poem, so don’t contact me anymore.

(Go Yoo Han) > I won’t do it anymore today. But I will tomorrow. Sleep well. Come to my dreams]

I won’t go. This is exhausting too. I don’t answer.

***

If I want to investigate without aunt knowing, I must never reveal my identity when making contact like I did last time. First of all, a total of 17 people were on the list of participants. I draw up the 17 participants with the crawling program using their ID and nickname. The SNS picture crawling is on pause right now, I’ve never gotten a useful picture since I made the crawling program in coding class when I was in third year of middle school. Of course, it was also restrained because of computer performance and SNS API constraints. Last year it was not API but virtual browser, so it was easy to use it as a bot and bring photos directly from random accounts. * D:

Still, I’ve never found a picture of mom. I’m a little worried about the cloud prices and now there’s no point in searching through pictures, so it’s more important to follow up on the clues aunt found.

The information of the 17 people is collected in chronological order based on their IDs and nicknames. If the source of information has been deleted, the *archive side comes up and fills it automatically.

(Archive: online archive where Google’s cache pages identify stored information).

A sort of timeline is formed. Café information is gathered better than I expected, this is because there are many search-permitting articles, just like when I first went through it. I thought It would take some time, so I take out a workbook. If I solve the workbook, aunt will be relieved. It means I’m using my time to study after all. She always expresses regret that I don’t take private lessons or go to the academy, but if I do, I won’t be able to do background checks like this. So, I insist on studying alone. If I solve the workbook, I can order another online, and get more pocket money for my activities.

I glance at the crawled information as it gathers, but I often turn to look at the kakao talk conversation with Go Yoo Han. And his profile picture with an empty profile image. I should’ve looked at the picture. I only see him wearing a mask, but I think he would be handsome. First of all, it’s noticeable his nose is high, also, his eyes are big without double eyelids and his eyebrows’ bones stand out even if his hair covers his forehead. I get the feeling I want to push his hair back to look at his forehead. *omo…

Go Yoo Han did that to look at my forehead. Ah, but what does it have to do with my anyone’s forehead? It’s just… I think it’s a bit annoying and nerve-wracking that we’re getting closer but I don’t even know his face properly. No, it’s okay to be a bit curious after spending this amount of time.

While solving the log part, the log is simply repeated by attaching the log back and forth to take out the unknown index. At that moment I wonder if there is a way to figure out the identities of the people in the get-together list. How to uncover people hidden behind their IDs and nicknames. Hmm… an approach comes to mind, but no idea pops out.

When the crawling stops, I look through the collected information. As soon as I see it, I feel curious.

I already know that dododok, the manager, was cut out. However, that was five years ago, around the same time he stopped his activities at the café. Before that, he was active in all sort of sites, but there was no record of that. And there was only one registered activity a year ago. An application for a class and a daily post on a mono community I recently joined, ‘Mascun’. Only those two.

I go the already registered café and look for dododok, his membership information is based on two full member ratings and five comments. It has 912 visits. An activity was registered a year ago, it was an open-source article. It was written on the bulletin board of a class.

Title: I went to the library

I feel good when I go to a big library. I bought a book impulsively because the cover was pretty.

Then there was an image of the book, the title says “Do you like circles?”, and it has round circles underneath. I don’t know if the circles in the book cover are originally like that or if it was a joke, but I only see it as dolphin gray. If the circles were all printed in the same color, then it would be hard to call it pretty. If he still thinks it’s pretty, then he either likes patterns very much or…

I open up a color picker program and take a picture of the cover. The *RGB values are all different. That’s a big difference, if you look at the colors, the colors of the circles in question will all look different.

(RGB: a scheme for defining colors using Red, Green and Blue. It is mainly used in equipment that shoots light and expresses color, such as a computer monitor).

If dododok is not a pattern-loving person, then there’s only one conclusion. Dododok* can see colors. He met his probe. At that moment, I understand the four-year gap. He must be really into his probe, I’m sure he dropped everything he ran, including the café. What’s strange is that he appeared in other mono communities four years later, and posted a picture like this. Then I think of what Go Yoo Han said.

Is he an attention seeker?

*Bad feeling, baaaaaaaad feeling.

Of the remaining 16 people, seven were cut off. One of them was my mom. There was an SNS post from exactly a week before she disappeared. I’ve already seen this with aunt.

Title: My son is a teenager so he won’t play with me ㅠㅠ.

Content: My baby who said he would marry his mom when he grew up ㅠㅠ now that he’s a teenager he won’t play with me ㅠㅠ he’s too busy making fun of me with his aunt now ~~~~ He also won’t eat sundae* with me…

This is why raising a child is useless.

*Korean blood sausage.

When we first saw the post, we saw mom posted this because she was upset aunt and I only ate tteokbokki and not sundae. At first, I thought she had posted this in a mom’s café.

When we both saw it, even if it wasn’t such a funny situation, we used the excuse that we laughed so hard we started crying.

I should have eaten that sundae.

I can see quite calmly now. Since aunt has a clue, I can meet my mom at the end of where the clue is. I get the terrible thought that I shouldn’t put it into words, so I deliberately push it aside and look at the timelines of the other six.

The six people who were cut off were not very consistent. They were not cut off all at once. It’s hard to see a pattern if it’s broken. One person disappeared six years ago, one person disappeared five years ago, two people disappeared four years ago and two people disappeared two years ago. There were a few months’ difference between the disappearances from four years ago and two years ago.

They did not disappear at once or at the same time as dododok.

Maybe it was a case in which they decided not to use the ID and nickname anymore and disappeared.

There was nothing in common among these seven people who disappeared. Including my mom. What they wrote and what they were interested in were also different.

On the other hand, I will try to find out about the eight people who are active. The interest circle and the activity circle are different. Just looking at the crawled information can’t help distinguish between the active and inactive groups.

I need some kind of standard.

***

I come to a place I would never have come to if aunt was around. I come to the café on the weekend and order a caramel latte with the living expenses card my aunt gave me. I don’t know the taste of Americano yet.

I connect into the café’s Wi-fi and type in the IP address I wrote down earlier.

(IP address: number that identifies devices connected to the internet.)

http://192.168.1.200

Then, I enter the default ID ad PW in the login window: admin, 4321.

It’s not a big deal since their system is vulnerable. You’re vulnerable when you don’t have the right security settings. Such a thing is a vulnerability that couldn’t even be left out in the OWASP TOP 10.

(OWASP TOP 10: Top 10 Web Vulnerabilities announced in 2017 by the Open Source Web Application Security Project [OWASP]. Number six was Security Misconfiguration).

So, I open the screen of the café’s CCTV. I don’t touch the settings, anyway, I just check it. The café will look into it if anything happens, but they never check the inquiry logs. The café is located at the entrance of the apartment where we used to live in with mom. In other words, if you look at the footage from in front of the café, you can see everyone who enters or leaves the apartment. Of course, I can’t check over the wall or the mall behind the apartment complex. So, in the morning, I’ll go through those places, and in the afternoon, I’ll check the CCTV from the café.

Whenever I was on vacation, aunt worried that I would come near this area, so she made me use her card no matter what, that way she could track which store it was used at. In other words, it was a big restriction, but I know it was because she was worried.

I’m so young to my aunt’s eyes, but the moment mom disappeared, I knew I couldn’t pamper myself*. *he means he had to grow up right away. He didn’t allow himself to be a kid anymore. TT

I’m running the CCTV footage at a fast pace, I sat across from the counter just in case they start suspecting. But every time the staff moves around to clean up, I change the screen to a lecture video. It’s an explanation on mole and mass.

I look through the CCTV for a long time, but I find no trace of mom. The images are said to be fast, but when mom disappeared, I looked through all the CCTV footage from around the apartment I shared with aunt. Sometimes you can recognize someone by their back or the way they walk even better than you think. You don’t need to see someone’s face to recognize them. *give me a sec to wail. Just, please. Eye-

Just as I‘m thinking I found nothing, my aunt texts me. I get surprised for a moment because I think she somehow caught me looking for my mom in secret. I look around uselessly, I know aunt spoke to the police station and the neighborhood watch here, if they find me or if they see me asking around, they are to kick me out. In a different sense, they are very scary people.

(Aunt) > Did you eat?] *she uses an abbreviation here. Literally ‘eat food?’

…It’s a bit scary but also a bit pathetic. Don’t try to abbreviate everything. That doesn’t make you talk like kids do. Besides, I don’t hang out with kids and spend all my time looking for my mom so I don’t know the internet terms they use these days. *Old man at heart, Choi Yeon Woo.

(Choi Yeon Woo) > I’m going to eat now]

The just as she did before to tease me, I send her a picture of sashimi that seems to be just cut. She ignores me.

The picture reminds me a bit of the one dododok posted as cover. It all looks dolphin gray to my eyes anyways. It makes me wonder. It would be nice if I could see the cover picture. I really thought It would be a daily conversation.

Yesterday he talked so freely, but today Go Yoo Han is quiet. I can’t call him to go look at the book cover. After, I’ll have to deal with fainting in the bookshop.

I get up to order some fried rice, it’s already 2 o’clock. I hadn’t noticed time go by so fast.

After eating spam kimchi fried rice, I go to a café behind the apartment complex. This time I order yogurt for digestion. And here I enter into http://192.168.0.100, and type admin, admin for ID and PW. That’s because the initial setting is still used here. While replaying the footage at a fast pace, my eyes are on the screen, but my mind is full of other thoughts. I get lost in the middle and have to rewind the video.

Oddly, I’m curious about the cover posted by dododok. It’s all dolphin gray in my eyes, but when I used color picker, it showed it had different color values. Then the colors that Go Yoo Han showed me come back to mind. To be exact, I remember he showed me something, but I can’t visualize it even when I try to recall what color it was. I wonder if the brain really can’t handle colors without a probe.

Go Yoo Han’s profile picture was very small, he seemed to be smiling a bit, but I couldn’t be sure because it was so small. I intentionally didn’t press on the picture because he provoked me. Hah… *regretting it now, are we ¬‿¬

I turn on Kakao Talk and check his picture, it’s still set on the default one he changed it to yesterday.

Eh… I vow not to waste time out of curiosity and eventually finish the CCTV inspection without further disturbance.

***

(Choi Yeon Woo) > Want to go to the bookstore?]

Human beings are so stupid they shouldn’t exist*. This is all because of dododok’s book cover. And he hasn’t checked it for over an hour, I think I’d rather stop using my cellphone now because of Go Yoo Han. I’ll see him again tomorrow anyways, why did I sent him a message? *I agree 10000% but not in this case ;3

I’m not stupid enough. Let’s ask someone passing by. *he’s pretending as if he’s in the news *facepalm*, this kid.

Mono asked his Probe to the bookstore. What could it mean?

I don’t know; of course, to kidnap him; take him to the bookstore and kidnap him; drop by the bookstore and then kidnap him; pretend to be a bookstore and kidnap him; he buys a book from the bookstore and then kidnaps him; uses the bookstore as an alibi and kidnaps him…

Besides, humans are animals who worry. And I buy worries I don’t need*. *he worries over things on the news, or what he sees on the internet about mono cases.

Moreover, the timing is really not good now. At first, I enter the family café for the missing. There’s not much to see. There was news of an unidentified female body found in Jecheon, Chungcheongnam-do, but I’m relieved when I see it’s of a woman in her 70s. Then I see the empty tab, so I enter Mascun, a mono community, to see news from the continent.

There’s an incident in which a 20-year-old man reports his parents. The man had a blood test for his company’s medical checkup and found out his blood type was completely different from that of his parents. After that he got suspicious, so he took a paternity test and found out there was no match. He had contradictory memories and it seemed there were other parents before his current parents. But there’s no record of adoption, and in fact, it was found that the current parents kidnapped and raised him. The reason was because a 6-year-old child was his fake father’s probe. *dude…

… I can’t help it, because it would be more notice-worthy if I delete the message.

Mono sent a message to his Probe but deleted afterwards. What could he have sent?

I don’t know, I’m kidnapping you? I want to lock you up? I’ll put you under confinement? I’m restraining you? I want to see every move you make?

Isn’t it something like that?

While these useless questions run around in my head, my cellphone rings. It’s an unsaved number.

Oddly, I had felt that if I saved Go Yoo Han’s number I would lose. But I know it’s him.

“Hello?”

[“Yeon Woo-yah, where do I have to go?”]

Go Yoo Han asks me briskly. Regret rushes in. I’m already tired. I only said one word and I’m tired.

“I want to go to a big bookstore. At XX station.”

[“Mm, mm. When?”]

“Right now?”

[“Mm. Come out.”]

“Come out?”

For a moment, I don’t understand what Go Yoo Han means. Of course, I’m ready to go out. Even if Go Yoo Han couldn’t make it, I was going to go buy a book. And I have to read the workbook myself, so I was thinking of going to the bookstore today anyways. When I’m thinking of where I have to go out to, he adds an explanation over the phone:

[“The front door of the apartment”]

Ah. It’s something like that. He doesn’t know which apartment I live in; but he knows I live here since the first day I left school.

“Mm.”

I answer and hang up. Only then does he start acting like himself again.

(Go Yoo Han) > I talked on the phone with Yeon Woo today]

(Go Yoo Han) > Are you very embarrassed? ㅋㅋㅋ]

(Go Yoo Han) > It’s okay, that’s cute]

(Go Yoo Han) > I’ll wear my mask]

(Go Yoo Han) > Don’t tell me I have to send a long message?]

(Go Yoo Han) > No, I can’t. it makes my heart pound]

(Go Yoo Han) > Before I write a long sentence my heart runs first ㅋㅋㅋㅋ]

I start regretting I sent that message. I should have just gone to the bookstore quietly. After all, I can see the cover at school if I ask him to show me his face for a bit. But strangely, I feel a little better than when I went to spy on the CCTV at the café yesterday. Maybe it’s because I’m investigating because I’m suspicious of dododok. It has nothing to do with Mono’s obsession with Probes. It can’t be.

Ha… humans must be stupid worrisome animals. At least, I think that’s what I am.

-

Go Yoo Han is standing at the apartment entrance wearing a black mask. He’s wearing regular clothes, not his uniform, and looks neater than I thought he would. It’s not like I imagined he would dress.

He’s wearing jeans and a cement gray sweatshirt. I know they’re jeans based on the material; I don’t know if they are actually blue. The sweatshirt has an embroidered pattern on the right breastplate, but it doesn’t have anything printed on it.

However, the strange thing is that Go Yoo Han looks at me indifferently for a long time as I approach him. Rather, he squints his eyes as if he’s seeing something suspicious. If it’s not because he suspects something, then I may have worn the wrong clothes. But my clothes are a combination made by my aunt who can see colors, and I don’t wear many layers so I don’t think there’s a problem. Right now, I am wearing a white t-shirt, a navy cardigan and beige cotton pants. I memorized the navy and beige colors because my aunt taught me, I see them as charcoal gray and silver gray.

“Go Yoo Han.”

I was about to ask if here was a problem, but when I call his name, his eyes relax. Then his eyes crinkle and he smiles as he does in school. The sudden change makes me think he must have really bad eyesight.

“Is your eyesight bad?”

“I have 1.0 on both sides. Yeon Woo-yah, as expected, today too…”

“If you say I’m pretty, I’ll go to the bookstore alone.”

“Hiing.”

I beat him to it. Fortunately, it’s successful. Yet, his sudden change of expression was a little strange. I look at my outfit again because it bothers me.

“Do I look weird?”

“Mm.”

I can’t trust my aunt’s sense anymore.

“I’m in trouble because you look so pretty even when I see you outside.”

At that moment, I feel a little sorry for doubting my aunt because of Go Yoo Han’s nonsense. I worry if it will be okay to go to the bookstore.

“Hah, I’m not pretty.”

“Have you ever seen your face, by any chance?”

“I see it every day.”

“No, with the colors.”

I shake my head at those words. When is there time to look in the mirror, if I’m busy looking at the colors before decoloring?

“You’ll be surprised once you do,”

“Why?”

I naturally ask the question and then immediately stop myself.

“No, don’t answer. I don’t want to hear it.”

When he hears that, he smiles lightly under the mask and walks slowly towards the bus stop. He’s looking at my face carefully, so I wonder if it’s a problem with my face and not my clothes, but before I came out, I checked that there was nothing wrong.

“By the way, why were you in front of my house?”

“In case my Yeon Woo ran away. You would leave me behind and go to the bookstore alone.”

And how come he didn’t answer for over an hour. He didn’t even contact me yesterday. However, he tried to hide his plan as much as possible.

“You should’ve just gone to the bookstore. What if I wasn’t home?”

“I knew as soon as I called.”

But I didn’t mention being home even once during the phone call. I only mentioned the location of the bookstore. Even if I think about it again, I never said I was home neither in the message nor in the phone call. No way… am I being tracked? But what can Go Yoo Han use to track me?

Come to think of it, I know Kim Hyeon Joo’s number, so I can track her location by remotely installing the app. But If I get caught by aunt, I’ll be in a huge problem, so I’ll have to put this aside. In the end, I ask because I don’t know how Go Yoo Han found out I was home.

“How did you know I was home?”

“What will you give me if I tell you?”

“I won’t give you anything.”

“If I tell you, how about you accept the offer I made before? Exchange. I’ll show the colors, My Yeon Woo shows his face.”

Isn’t it a problem in itself to ask someone to show you their face? *cough Yeon Woo, seriously? Cough

Moreover, I regret what I did today already. I’m definitely curious about the cover posted by dododok, but am I curious enough? Perhaps the curiosity to see the colors combines with my desire to find mom.

“I’ll buy you something to eat.”

“Ah. I want sundae*!” *순대 (sundae) is blood sausage, not the ice cream, I am using the phonetic translation here, because the Korean blood sausage is a bit different. And because I don’t want to keep writing blood sausage, I doesn’t sound appetizing, although it’s rather tasty.

We are almost to the bust stop when I suddenly halt. Go Yoo Han looks back when I stop. I don’t think he knows. There’s no way Go Yoo Han knows. *sundae is what Yeon Woo's mom wanted to eat with him a week before she went missing.

“You don’t like sundae?”

“Will you put in the liver?”

“Whatever you prefer.”

“Mm, sundae…”

I turn the conversation, but he doesn’t seem to mind.

“I’ll buy it for you.”

“Mm, mm. What was the question? How did I know you were home?”

I nod. Go Yoo Han looks at the bus information board and says ‘it’s coming soon’, then he turns to me and winks his right eye.

“It was the power of love.”

“The bus is coming fast? You like taking buses. I didn’t know. Should I take the subway?”

“No, Yeon Woo, that’s really how I knew you were home.”

“… you don’t want to eat sundae?”

It’s amazing that even in this situation, he can say nonsense so naturally. Is his head not circuited correctly? If he doesn’t tell me, there’s no sundae.

Even if I’m stabbed in the heart by sundae, I won’t regret not eating it with Go Yoo Han.

“Ah, okay. So, I guessed two things, since it was so quiet when I called you, and because you said I want to go*.” When Yoo Han asks Yeon Woo where to go to over the phone he uses 갈까 which is in future tense.

“I could’ve just been in a quiet place.”

“It’s hard to find a quiet place when you’re outside. There’s the sound of the road, or the sound of the bathroom. And since you said “I want to go” it meant you were not in the bookstore. And,”

He winks his left eye this time. It’s too intentional a wink to call it a magnesium deficiency. *Stahp LMAO

“My gut told me My Yeon Woo was at home saying I’m bored since Yoo Han didn’t contact me.”

“I wasn’t bored.”

“Then, were you anxious?”

The bus arrives as soon as Go Yoo Han adds something unnecessary. But it was interesting he found out by the expression of words. Even I didn’t realize I said that. But I’d like to erase that wink.

I get on the bus and head for an individual seat, Go Yoo Han points to the back.

“Let’s go comfortably.”

“Whyyyyy?”

Then starts raising and lowering his big shoulders*. I go to the back because people start looking at us. *Tantrum shoulders. LOL.

When we get to a double seat, we sit side by side, and he folds his arms against the backrest of the empty seat in front and looks at me.

“But why go to the bookstore?

“There’s a book I want to see.”

Then I hesitate looking at Go Yoo Han, if I ask him to show me his face to see the cover… I’m not only asking him to show me his face, but also to take care of me after I faint.

“Yeon Woo-yah, should we go back home? I get shy when you look at me like that.”

“Can’t you please be normal?”

“Then why did you call me? Because you missed me?”

I want to say no, but I don’t answer because I need Go Yoo Han’s face. Instead, I feel very nervous. I’m used to asking favors since my mom went missing. Or my aunt would ask me for a favor directly and I helped her, so I didn’t think much about it. In addition, since it’s Go Yoo Han, I feel like I can’t ask him for a favor. But since we’re already out, I want to see the cover.

“There’s a cover I want to see. I need… to see the colors.”

“What’s the title?”

Go Yoo Han takes out his cellphone.

“Do you like circles?”

“I like Choi Yeon Woo, though?”

“That’s the book’s title.”

“I know.”

Then he searches for the book to see what’s good about it. I don’t understand how he can say so much nonsense. When he sees the book cover, he gives a short exclamation and says:

“Ah!”

“Yeon Woo, how does it look like to you?”

“I only see dolphin gray. Monotonously.”

“I look forward to it. There are a lot of colors to show you.”

This makes me look forward to learning the colors, I get fixated on something I can’t even picture without Go Yoo Han. I remind myself of the reason we’re going again. This is an investigation into dododok. It’s not to learn colors with Go Yoo Han. Not at all.

-

When we get to the bookstore, Go Yoo Han finds the book in the innermost part of the library, not in the book location or the search desk. He goes between the bookshelves and gestures at me. Still, I’m glad it’s silent in the bookstore. He points to a corner and whispers:

“If you sit here for a bit, I will get you the book.”

I know what that means. I can’t faint in front of people. It will be better to look like I fell asleep here. He flops on the floor next to me and puts a hand on the back of my head. He lowers his back and slowly pulls the mask down. It’s a bit different from the last color rush.

Last time the colors seemed to be rushing at me from behind Go Yoo Han, this time, I see his black hair and caramel eyes. Perhaps because of the name, Go Yoo Han’s eyes seem very sweet. The cement color sweatshirt is similar to the carnation pink from the nurse’s office, but it has a calmer feeling. What looks like jeans is an almost black color. Ah, what is this color? It feels liked a darker version of the turquoise I saw in the color chart. As I’m thinking this, I feel my body slowly getting heavier and my senses becoming dull as if I’m underwater. I feel Go Yoo Han gently holding the back of my head so that it won’t hit the bookshelf.

I open my eyes to a completely different world to that of the nurse’s office. On the bookshelf, which is a woven color similar to the one of the school desks, there are books covered in all sorts of colors. Each of them showing its own color, and a few that change according to people’s movements. My eyes are busy chasing the colors I don’t know. I think I try to raise my body without realizing it. The yellow color from across the room is so eye-catching I can only turn away from it when I feel the weight on my thigh, under my hand.

On the cover, there’s the book title ‘Do you like circles?’ and underneath there are nine circles in rows of three by three. However, there’s a different one in the middle, with the color painted as if in waves. I think it’s a circle filled with only one color. Go Yoo Han points with his index finger to the top left circle, when I look at his nails, I wonder what color are they.

“Orange, amber, walnut, olive green, kiwi, bamboo, sea blue, cobalt blue, grape, plum.”

Go Yoo Han’s finger came down from the top left to the bottom right, naming the colors that were divided like waves. The colors are also interesting, but it’s more amazing to know such color names. Do all people who see colors use all those pretty names for them? I fiddle with the cover for no reason.

It’s a cover mono can’t see. No. It’s a cover that makes it difficult for mono to detect the difference in brightness. Whether intentional or not, it’s sad.

“There are two ‘amber’ or ‘pumpkin’ colors*, this one refers to the color of a jewel and the other one is a brighter orange, like the vegetable pumpkin.” *It’s the same word for both colors. 호박색.

Go Yoo Han explains the colors I’m fiddling with. I think it may be similar to caramel color, so I turn my eyes to him. I can see Go Yoo Han’s eyes, the color is a bit deeper than the amber color on the book cover. Color rush doesn’t happen again because he’s wearing his mask, but I can see his exceptionally black hair. It definitely looked black before the color rush, but it looks brighter and darker now. I point to his sweatshirt in order to take my eyes away from his face.

“What color is this?”

“Salmon pink. The color of the flesh of salmons.”

The moment I hear the word flesh, I remember his fingernails that pointed to each color. It’s a different color from the one of the half-moon shaped roots and the skin you see under the nails.

I grab Go Yoo Han’s hand on the floor and his caramel eyes grow bigger. I take his hand and place it on top of the book, then I point my finger at his fingernails.

“What color is this?”

“Baby pink.”

“… for real?”

“Mm.”

I can see his teasing expression start to come up. As I think that pink has a lot of names, a shadow falls over his hand. When I look up, an employee wearing an apron puts his finger over his lips. It’s a sign to be quiet. Just as I think that the apron is similar to kiwi color, it gradually decolors. I heard that decoloring comes faster if emotions are shaken. Decoloring came very fast just by being called out by an employee. Also, we are outside. I’ve seen a lot of colors.

“That’s too bad.”

“It’s too bad?”

I speak my thoughts out loud on accident. Go Yoo Han gets it right away and looks down at the book cover. Only nine circles are visible, the previous wave pattern is not there anymore.

“Let’s go. There’s nothing more to see. Where was this?”

“I bought it.”

Go Yoo Han says as I try to put the book back.

“I thought you needed it.”

I take money out of my money clip and try to give it to him, but I’m surprised when he pushes it away with his head down.

“I’m hungry, so let’s go eat sundae.”

I nod in surprise at those words and Go Yoo Han closes his hands over mine on top of the money clip. I get up fast because I can feel his warmth through our overlapped hands.

***

I wonder why he bought the book. As soon as we arrive at the snack bar, I basically order the menu from beginning to end. It’s fortunate drinks can be refilled, because if they were in cans the price would have jumped a lot.

I’m going to roughly fill my stomach, but Go Yoo Han usually eats quickly, so, I feel like he doesn’t eat a lot. Once the food is served, Go Yoo Han warns me in advance to look away because he will lower the mask. So, I can only look at the restaurant wall and at the table, and every time I look at the table all I can see is chopsticks moving quickly.

I speed up, but I can’t keep up. Moreover, since I eat fast trying to catch up, I don’t think over whether I’ll be able to digest well. Go Yoo Han ordered fish cake and received it in a large bowl, he separates the fish cake soup in a cup with a ladle. I can hear him slurping the soup and I can see his hand holding the cup on the table.

Maybe because he is so tall, his hands are big and his knuckles are thick. By comparison, his nails are very neat. Baby pink. I also can’t picture it after decoloring.

“Why does pink have so many names?”

I ask, keeping my eyes on his nails. He’s quiet for a long time, so I think he probably didn’t hear the question. However, after a brief silence, he starts telling me names of pink that are unknown to me.

“Cherry Blossom, Carnation Pink, Baby Pink, Reddish Pink, Crimson Pink, Strawberry, Carmine, Peach, Coral, Salmon, Rose Gold, Magenta, Flower Pink, Azalea, Light Pink, Rose Pink.”

His voice is calm but it makes my heart pound. I can’t think of the colors, but I seem to fall in love with the names of pink Go Yoo Han is telling me. *mmhmm. The names of the colors. Right.

“Besides the colors of tolerance, pink has a lot of names. There’s cases in which the color has an original name, but if someone names it and writes it, it can become its name too.”

“They can make up the names?”

“Mm.”

I start emptying all the food on the table at Go Yoo Han’s short answer. I can’t see the hand holding the cup anymore so I raise my head. I see Go Yoo Han wearing his black mask. His eyes are on the menu and the index finger of his right hand is on the edge of the mask above his nose. I have ten achromatic colors I learned from my mom.

“Then how do people learn colors?”

“From what others tell you? Like the colors of the rainbow.”

I know the colors of the rainbow too. Red, orange, yellow, green, blue, indigo and purple.

Go Yoo Han takes his gaze away from the menu. When our eyes meet, he blinks slowly. And soon his eyes crinkle slightly and he leans his chin on his right hand.

“Baker Miller Pink, Mountbatten Pink, Fuchsia, Shocking Pink, Fluorescent Pink, Amaranth, Recamier, Marie Antoinette, Pompadour Pink, Etruscan Rose, Mallejong Rose, Mortlake Rose, Korantian Rose, French Rose, Colonial Rose, Schiaparelli Pink, Miami Rose, Renoir Pink, Fragonard Pink, Picasso Pink, Saint Laurent Pink, Havana Pink, Ash Rose, Aurora, Camelia, Coral Pink, Dawn Pink, Sunrise Pink, Pastel Pink, Peach Pink, Old Rose, Opera Mob.”

*It’s fifty shades of pink. I counted them.